Every Cornellian knows the “161 Things Every Cornellian Should Do” list, a carefully curated list of landmark achievements that objectively denotes the intellect, sexual prowess, and genetic quality of a student. What most may not know, however, are the ones that didn’t make the final cut:
6.) Enroll in 8 a.m. classes because you “did it fine in high school”; never show up to them:
Justification: a classic rite of passage that perfectly encapsulates the self-deception of the Cornell student. What were we thinking?
Rejected because: if we post it for the world to see, then it stops becoming a rite of passage. They must suffer like we did.
5.) Pregame a prelim:
Justification: drinking culture, meet defeatism. Defeatism, meet drinking culture.
Rejected because: “bomb a prelim” had a better ring to it–and the added bonus of ambiguously referring to sake bombing.
4.) Send hatemail to Denice Cassaro:
Justification: she’s always so happy and positive in her emails, it would just absolutely scream “edgy college teen” to send something hideous back. Besides, given her machine-like consistency and efficiency, she’s probably not even a real human person anyways.
Rejected because: we don’t want to start the robot apocalypse by pissing off an email server.
3.) Rebrand Cornell Dairy ice cream, try to make a profit off campus:
Justification: contrary to the urban legend, Cornell’s ice cream is actually not illegal under FDA regulations–there is no “maximum” fat content. Getting caught doing this, however, probably is. At the very least, if you’re still concerned about the FDA coming after you, try calling it “flavored butter.”
Rejected because: it was deemed too difficult. No stockpile of Cornell ice cream lasts very long in the face of shameless ennui-fueled hedonism.
2.) Get one of your CS friends to hack into Student Center and bump your grade up:
Justification: academic dishonesty, shmacademic dishonesty. Like running a red light or setting fire to a police car, this is one of those minor “crimes” that everyone does at some point. Why not make it official?
Rejected because: CS people don’t have friends. And even if you could find someone to hack Student Center, you wouldn’t be changing your grade, you’d be rigging pre-enroll.
1.) Go hunting for “Ezraelius the All-Knowing,” Elder Spirit of the Gorges:
Justification: every freshman comes in believing that Ezra’s Tunnel is named for Ezra Cornell, and every senior leaves knowing what actually lurks in the depths below. Everyone who has seen him knows, but is held by oath to deny all knowledge–it’s really an experience you need to feel for yourself.
Rejected because: he becomes displeased when you say His name too frequently. Putting it in a list is an accident waiting to happen.
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