Thanksgiving: The time to swerve unfortunate questions from your family harder than your crush swerved you in English lecture after you showed up unshowered, with puke in your hair. We’re still scarred from the conversations, all seven below.
7.) “How Is Cornell?”:
You smiled and gave an honest review of your fall semester at Cornell. You forgot to mention the fact that you need a 247% on your final in order for your GPA to survive the intro class you tragically underestimated. Maybe you even cracked a joke that made you laugh until you cried. The laughter may be phony but the tears are real.
6.) “How Were Your Travels?”:
Ithaca is a really small town in the middle of freakin’ nowhere and traveling outside of this place makes you wonder if life is a prelim because you’re constantly being tested. The moment your family asked the question “how was your trip?” was the moment you exaggerated the riveting tale of how you almost missed the TCAT bus to the Ithaca airport therefore almost missing the one mode of transportation that would get you out of here in a “timely” fashion. Of course, upon arriving at the Ithaca airport you discovered that your flight was delayed two hours leaving you to make awkward eye contact with fellow Cornell students who are just as irritated as you are. Change the word “airport” to “bus station,” “train station,” or “I hitchhiked” for the same effect.
5.) The Election…:
Oh boy. This conversation happened but let’s pretend it didn’t. Much like Cornellians are pretending that the winner did not win. Just eat the food. Just eat the food.
4.) “What Does Your Future Hold?”:
Ah, with pumpkin pie baking in the oven and uncertainty rising in your future this question was a pleasant reminder that you know more about Cornell’s clock tower than you do about your life. This question can take many forms. Examples: “What do you want to do once you leave Cornell?” “How do you plan on repaying your crippling student loans?” “Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend?” “Why don’t you have a boyfriend or girlfriend?” “When do you want me to buy you your first cat?” You were asked the questions that truly mattered.
3.) No Conversations at All:
The sad students who remained on campus were able to enjoy a relaxing break of being able to cross the road carefree due to the lack of cars.
2.) “How Is The Weather Up There?”:
Never mind telling your family that you spent Saturday night huddled by the furnace begging the universe for heat. Nah. You simply told them that it’s going to get really cold and slipped some extra mashed potatoes into your pockets. Once the Ithaca temperature begins to settle below freezing you won’t be leaving your dorm to get food. Okenshields? Hahaha. It’s better to begin rationing now.
1.) (Add An Insult From Your Mom):
Sure, she loves you more than life itself, but after months of talking to you on the phone her expectations of how you really look rose a little too high. She told you many times how happy she was to see you but not before telling you that your new clothing style and/or eyebrows are stupid.
You went drinking, now you’re stuck pooping. How’s that going for ya?