As far as lists go, The Cornell Daily Sun’s “161 Things Every Cornellian Should Do” is just too long. Too lazy to do 161 things while you’re at Cornell? Don’t worry. We covered 7 better things to do.
7.) Join a frat that gets kicked off campus:
This was all the rage last year. Get ahead of the trend and get yourself into a frat that hazes heavily. We guarantee that it’ll be an experience you’ll remember for the rest of your life.
6.) Buy a burger at Nasties, but eat it at Louie’s:
Drag your greasy Nasties burger and plonk yourself down on the grass in front of Louie’s food truck and take in the sight of people stuffing themselves with food significantly superior to the small burger you hold clasped in your hand. You might even picture yourself as one of them and live it up for a while before you return to your BRB – cursed existence.
5.) Steal a Canada Goose jacket at a party to sell on Ebay:
There’s plenty of classes at Cornell that teach you how to manage and make money. This is a way to actually do that. While these coat owners are passing out on couches, grab a coat and go out into the freezing Ithaca winter and enjoy the warmth of your jacket for the short while you have it. Then enjoy the money till you’re cold and broke again.
4.) Transfer to AEM:
Glug, glug, burp. It’s 5 o’clock somewhere.
3.) Carry a recycling bag full of empty Keystone cans through Collegetown and give it to a friend as a housewarming present:
So what if people look at you weirdly? So what if all the moms dropping their kids are scandalized by your brazen flaunting of unhealthy drinking habits? This is a kind, heartwarming gesture that will almost definitely be welcomed. Who knows, the recipient may even return the gesture in the future. You’re only really a dick if you dump the garbage on their bed.
2.) Leave your dorm stuff behind and buy them again:
Fans, pillows, kettles, leave ‘em all behind in the dump and run. Ithaca is a ridiculously expensive town. In all honesty, this probably isn’t even the best way to waste your money.
1.) Get all your meals at the Dairy Bar:
Milk has protein. Protein is good for you. What could possibly go wrong? Just pray the Student Health Plan covers diabetes.
Climbing the clocktower and taking wine classes is all very well but it’s a little…pedestrian. For the really exciting, interesting, and slightly mentally deranged stuff, this is the list for you.