Following the removal of Cornell’s oldest and “painfully” prestigious all-male acapella group last week, Cornell University has decided to introduce a mascot to promote awareness about hazing and its effects, in the hopes that this will motivate the student body to squash any action that would bring a negative image to the school. The new mascot? A large, friendly tube of Icy Hot.
John “Benito” Johnson ‘18, future fascist and the brain cell behind this idea, unwittingly plagiarized Machiavelli and violated the Code of Academic Integrity in saying “It is far safer to be feared than loved,” He continued, “A mascot that makes people extremely uncomfortable is much, much more effective than one that discourages hazing by promoting basic human decency.”
The Black Sheep caught up with Jill Kowalski ’20, a fashion major in charge of designing the Icy Hot costumes. “Icy Hot has really great packaging, it really engages the eye and it’s going to get our mascot noticed, which is the most important thing. I’m really honored to be designing this. I truly believe people dressed up as tubes of cream are going to single-handedly end the age-old problem of hazing at Cornell, and that’s just beautiful.”
The administration plans to have groups of people dressed as Icy Hot tubes parading around various parts of campus holding signs that read “Hazing is not cool nor does it make you hot!” An official offered comment on this, saying “There are no doubts whatsoever as to the efficacy of these signs in bringing a complete stop to all hazing activities on campus.”
“The message on the signs are short and simple. The minute people know that hazing is bad, they are going to stop. It’s that easy. It’s genius”, said a spokesperson yesterday while puffing on a cigarette next to a poster advertising a panel discussion on lung cancer and tobacco use.
Arthur MacGregor ‘19, a volunteer, shared why he was so excited to be dressing up as the mascot. “Hazing is just such an awful thing. I’m just glad we finally have a proper, practical and 100% foolproof way to combat it. Also, my resumé is kinda blank, so I’m hoping to put ‘social activism’ on it.”
There was widespread outrage when it later emerged that new Icy Hot mascots were being hazed with Bengay.