The Mayflower set sail almost 400 years ago and changed the course of history. But what if there was a modern day equivalent only instead of Puritans fleeing religious persecution, it was Cornellians fleeing Ivy League persecution? Here’s what Cornell students would have brought over on the Mayflower:
6.) An excessive amount of Bingalee Dingalee memes:
Seriously, references to Bingalee Dingalee never seem to get old and bring the students a sense of belonging and unity over a dumb nickname we gave a clock tower. Perhaps it’s because Bingalee Dingalee has such an iconic presence on campus. More likely, we cannot escape its ominous chimes wherever we may be.
5.) Crippling depression:
If Cornell students had arrived at Plymouth on the Mayflower, their most important contribution to America would have been, without a doubt, depression and jokes about depression which act as a screen for the depression. Definitely more useful than the contributions of the Pilgrims.
4.) Canada Goose jackets:
An endless storm of geese buffeted by the cold winds of a New England winter. Warm though these jackets would be, we’d probably still find a way to gripe about the weather.
“A well-crafted resume is the most powerful weapon you can possess.” – Some Smug Prick. Network, network, network – it’s all important for Cornell students. Plus it’s not like you’ll have access to your LinkedIn in the middle of the Atlantic and you never know when you’ll run into a headhunter for Google.
2.) An absurd amount of alcohol:
Take all the alcohol on the original Mayflower. Multiply it tenfold. Then do it again. Nope, still not even close to how much true Cornellians would have brought with them on the journey across. And since any supply is limited, they probably would have brought along an actual distillery too. What else can we use to drown our sorrows and keep the cold at bay?
1.) A Starbucks:
Coffee is the lifeblood of Cornell. Without it, we’d all have dropped out ages ago. Without it, we’d be sleeping 24/7, unable to do anything at all. Like everything else at Cornell, our coffee needs to be overpriced – hence Starbucks.
So load up your ships and sail for the New World, and when we say New World, we mean go home for Thanksgiving break because God, Ithaca is insufferable right now.