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Cornell Students Relieved to See Familiar Dreary Skies after Three Days of Burning Sunshine

After what seemed like an eternity burning in the hellish heat of the sun from a mild spring in Ithaca, after three days, students let out a collective sigh of relief after the miserable effects of rain finally returned. The zeitgeist of an average Cornell student’s time in Ithaca is pure, undulated misery and boy-oh do Cornellians love it.

We reached out to Daniel Fucced, a mechanical engineer who was very happy about the cloudy skies. “Yeah, I hate the sunshine. All engineers do. That’s why we spend our days huddled in the dark safety of the Ulin Library stacks.” When the sun peeked out from behind the clouds, Dan hissed and scampered back into Rhodes Hall.

While some students were confused about the excess amount of sunshine and spent the day Googling “how much vitamin D is too much,” other Cornellians found themselves very bored.

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“Man, sunshine just isn’t interesting. People ask me ‘what do you think the weather is going to be like?’ All I can say there are no clouds to cover the sun. If it’s rainy I at least get to spew some intriguing bullshit about cold fronts and the different types of clouds and how tornados begin. No one wants a weatherman with the predictability of the sun.” Said Jason Cucc ’21, an aspiring Atmospheric Sciences major.

Brad Chad ’19 of Sigma Theta Delta, popularly known as STD, also had a complaint about the recent spell of good weather. “Dude bro, I was outside the whole day just shotgunning some Keystones and I got my nipples sunburned. The clouds wouldn’t have betrayed me this way.”

With summer coming along just in time for Slope Day, people will have no choice but to drown their sorrows about having to apply sunscreen by showing up trashed to see Galantis.”

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