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Cornell Woman Stares Longingly at Butter Knife As Boyfriend Discusses Busted Bracket

Following a March Madness weekend headlined by top overall seed Villanova losing to 8-seed Wisconsin, brackets nationwide are in shambles. Cornell senior Ben Lamont has no chance of winning, as girlfriend Mira Schell well knows.

“Do you think if I did it real fast—Like, Bam! Right in the eye!—it’d be quick and painless?” she wondered aloud in Collegetown Bagels.

“…So, like, if North Carolina wins out and then WVU can get to the Elite Eight, I think that I can be in the money,” Lamont noted.

“Becky’s in neuroscience,” Schell commented, “she’d know. I’m gonna text her real fast.”

Many women in relationships at Cornell have offered similar sentiment over the action-packed weekend.

“He just wouldn’t shut up about it,” sophomore Big Red Bear Brenna Ruthels noted, “ but did you know you can get same-day delivery of rat poison from Amazon for like, 10 bucks?”

But Schell has concerns that Lamont won’t be able to focus his attention on anything but basketball for the next 2 weeks.

“I bet if I used this butter knife to open myself up right here, he’d still just stare at that bracket on his phone. Jesus. I’m going to try it. Here, watch.”

Updated: Schell tells The Black Sheep that cell phone reception is non-existent at Gannett Health Services

 

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