With classes ending and the Fall 2016 semester drawing to a close, many students find themselves with leftover Big Red Bricks that they’re unable to carryover with them into the next semester. A recent investigation has uncovered that this seemingly harmless inconvenience over digital money has provided the setting for a morally deficient underground market to develop.
“You’ve got kids with hundreds in BRBs that are just trying to get their money’s worth,” said the Chief of the CUPD, “and with the sharks around here offering seventy-five cents on the buck, even the meekest students are tempted to cut a deal. But the consequences of doing so are very real – and very severe.”
The police department cites several growing concerns regarding the illegal currency exchange, primarily focusing on the combination of the rampant spike in inflation paired with an increase in the overall price level of goods and services in Nasties.
“The value of the BRB has been iffy since the Calzone Collapse of ’13. Everyone’s trying to sell, and if Cornell won’t give us the legal means to do so – well, college kids can be pretty resourceful,” said one anonymous student who admitted to exchanging his remaining BRBs for cash, “You’ll never hear anyone important say it, but everybody knows the truth about Big Red Bucks: it’s a bubble – and it’s bound to burst.”
While it’s difficult to blame college students for trying to be fiscally responsible, the CUPD urges to recover the value of their BRBs through legal venues – such as buying 11 Gatorades.
“Gatorade is ripe with electrolytes, and current Cornell prices are very reasonable,” says the CUPD Chief of Police, “We just don’t get why these kids would choose to turn towards crime when there are such practical and morally sound alternatives.”
The investigation is still ongoing, and reports of BRB bribes plaguing the Cornell Police Department threaten to muddle an already messy situation.