An Interview With Cornell’s Resident Weather Creater Jack Frost
We know what you’re thinking. Jack Frost? You really interviewed Jack Frost, the guy who wears scandalous stockings and terrorizes Christmas? Yeah, that guy. Funny enough we caught up with him last night at Reggae Night down at the Docks. He was outside smoking a cigarette and furiously swiping right on Tinder.
The Black Sheep: Hey man, I don’t mean to be rude or anything, but are you responsible for the winter season across the globe?
*He lets out an audible sigh*
Jack Frost: Yes, I’m Jack Frost.
TBS: Holy shit! I didn’t actually think it was you. You’re the reason no one wants to go to Cornell! What’s up, man? what are you doing at Reggae Night?
JF: I’m just trying to relax like everyone else, man. I’ve got a lot going on. You know, Global Warming and shit. Stats final with Velleman coming up.
TBS: Oh that’s right. And sorry about the whole pollution thing man, honestly that’s our bad.
JF: It’s cool.
TBS: Yeah, I was about to say it hasn’t been supernaturally cold this fall semester here in Ithaca. Can we expect this kind of weather for finals next week?
TBS: Whoa, whoa what the hell was that?
JF: See, I can’t really guarantee that it won’t snow during finals.
TBS: Why not? It was, like, 60 on Tuesday. And some of us have to walk all the way to Baker from C-Town just to turn in labs!
JF: Yeah it was warm, but I have this thing with Ithaca where I just make it unreasonably cold after Halloween, but I gave you guys a little bit of a break this year.
TBS: I did notice that I didn’t get any frostbite this November. Do you feel bad about giving us near-apocalyptic winters the last few years?
JF: Oh, nah man, I don’t care about that, that’s my job. I did it because I figure you guys have a lot on your plate right now so I thought I’d give you a bit of a breather.
TBS: Are you talking about Donald?
TBS: Well can’t you give us a complete break? We’re just college kids trying to find our way in this world. AND THERE IS NO WINTER MAINTENANCE. Not even on the slope. Can’t you relate?
JF: When you’re the physical embodiment of the winter season, it’s kind of hard to go to college.
TBS: But can’t you find it in your heart to spare us? Don’t you feel compassion, man?
JF: I do, I used to feel it all the time with my girlfriend Stacy.
TBS: See! I bet if we asked Stacy she’d say that giving us a crazy winter after the year we had would be too much.
JF: Yeah she probably would, but she’s not here anymore.
TBS: Shit dude I’m sorry what happened? Was it a car accident or something like that?
JF: No, we just started hooking up in the middle of Ho Plaza and she froze.
TBS: Froze, like, she didn’t know if she wanted to keep hooking up?
JF: No, like froze completely solid. I haven’t really been with girls since that…it gets lonely sometimes. But I mean, thank god for Tinder right?
Nervous chuckle, then a very long and very awkward silence
TBS: So uh, we should expect another shitty winter this year?
JF: Do you watch Game of Thrones?
TBS: Say no more.
You went drinking, now you’re stuck pooping. How’s that going for ya?