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A Line by Line Breakdown of Zeta Beta Tau’s ‘Pig Roast’ Apology

A few days ago the Cornell Daily Sun published ZBT’s apolog-,  er response to the allegations for creating a game where their bros got points for having sex in some weird war to one-up each other’s masculinity and prove that they’re totally not lame virgins still. We thought their response was bullshit (and very very redundant and wordy but that’s neither here nor there) so we took it line by line to break it down. 

February 3, 2018
Kappa Chapter
Zeta Beta Tau Fraternity

In response to the allegations detailed yesterday in the Cornell Daily Sun, the brothers of the Kappa Chapter of Zeta Beta Tau would like to first and foremost express our mutual disgust along with those who feel hurt or victimized. Your feelings are legitimate and appropriate reactions to something of this nature.

This is starting to feel like one of those “we’re sorry you’re offended” apologies. Like “hey, sorry we got caught, yeah we’re definitelllly mad about it too…” But we’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, carry on, brothers.

The Kappa Chapter of Zeta Beta Tau Fraternity is horrified at the notion of the degradation and/or objectification of women…

You’re horrified at the ‘notion’ of the degradation and/or objectification… Yes, we’re also horrified at the notion of Taco Bell meat and the notion of shitting in the urinal, but once you shit in the urinal, it’s not a notion anymore, jafeel bros?

and the impact it has had on men and women across the United States, and at Cornell.

The impact the objectification of women… has had on men. Hold on while we try to pry our eyes free from rolling 360 degrees.  

The chapter was first made aware of these allegations in December, prior to our hearing with the Cornell University Fraternity and Sorority Review Board. Upon hearing the details of what was alleged the Chapter Leadership and Brotherhood at large were, and continue to be, just as shocked and appalled.

Ok well how are we like halfway through this and you haven’t even said you’re sorry yet. It’s like when someone gets caught shitting in the urinal and they’re like “what I thought this was how you were supposed to do it??? You can’t blame me for not knowing!!!” But sure, glad you were “shocked” and “appalled” when you “heard about it in December” yet decided to not do anything about it?

The events detailed in The Sun were neither chapter sanctioned activities,

Phew, glad making a game out of sexual assault and objectifying women isn’t sanctioned. Welp, that about wraps things up then right guys? No?

nor ones that brothers were aware of. We, too,are in disbelief and even more so that these alleged actions may have been taken by those whom we called brothers.

Ok the more you say you weren’t aware of it the less true it seems. Pretty weird that that you knew nothing of this giant game and planned pig roast happening between people you fucking sleep next to. It’s like when people shit in the urinal, you’re gonna know about it one way or another.

As a result, we are looking inward to ensure this type of behavior never occurs by anyone connected with ZBT, or the campus community as a whole, on our watch.

Ah yes, nothing better at stopping shitty behavior than “looking inward.” You know if all those racists in Charlottesville just took some time to look inward they’d probably turn things around. Also what do you mean, “not on our watch,” what are you going to start wearing capes and make sure no one calls girls fat? Great. We’re in great hands, you guys!

As an International Fraternity ZBT

Oh shut up.

works diligently to educate its brothers on how to prevent this type of behavior

Obviously it doesn’t.

and the fact that individuals may have participated in activities that go against this focus is something we will not tolerate. Programs like Safe, Smart Dating and Green Light, Go are just two of the examples of how ZBT educates its brothers on the topic of healthy relationships.

Oh great, thanks for listing all 2 of the programs that your bros definitely didn’t snooze through.

In addition, ZBT is a founding member of the “It’s on Us” Greek Leadership Council and takes a leadership role nationwide.

Look, just because I took three courses in Yellow Urinal Brown Toilets: It’s On You — doesn’t mean I’m not going to shit in the urinal when no one’s looking. Yeah I read that shit. Whoopdie doo, guess what reading a stupid book doesn’t do after I poop in some loser’s urinal? Punish me. So I keep doo-dooin’ it, baby.

The allegations described

Ooh, “allegations,” someone’s lawyer daddy helped!

are contrary to the values that Zeta Beta Tau Fraternity espouses and works in direct conflict with the beliefs and mission of the Kappa Chapter. Our chapter has worked closely with the Zeta Beta Tau International Headquarters to draft and execute an action plan that addresses this alleged behavior.

Hmm, wonder what the alleged action plan will be for the alleged behavior in this alleged apology of alleged allegery.

This semester The Kappa Chapter will conduct a full membership review, both internally and externally, in partnership with our International Headquarters.

“Hey bro, did you keep score of girls you banged and then allot extra points if they weighed more?” “Yeah bro.” “Bro, you got caught and now we can’t be bros.” “Damn bro. Guess I’ll go be bros with other bros in some other frat that does the same shit but doesn’t get caught.”

We are committed to demonstrating through our actions that this inexcusable behavior will not be tolerated, and as such, we will take the necessary steps to ensure we retain the ideals and values of our brotherhood, specifically Social Responsibility and Integrity.

This thing is like 700 words too long.

Through this brotherhood review process if we identify individual brothers we find not to be committed to these said ideals and values they will be expelled from the Brotherhood.

Literally no one cares about your “ideals” and who is or is not committed to them. Christ.

In addition, the Kappa Chapter will be hosting and attending multiple educational programs on the topics of healthy relationships and a variety of education that will positively impact our entire brotherhood. We intend to offer this programming to the entire community as we believe this is a message and area of concern that impacts the entire Cornell community, and ZBT intends to be a convener and leader in this type of education.

Here’s how this is going to go, we’ll put money on it: ZBT makes a stupid little awareness event on Facebook and forces their members to go to it. Like 10 more people max show up. They eat some pizza and play a video. And that’s it, they’ll go back to fulfilling the hypermasculine expectations of them that come from merely existing in a frat.

Lastly, a full facilities walkthrough, a live-in advisor, and monthly meetings with our Office of Sorority and Fraternity Life representatives will serve to bolster our commitment to remaining an integrity driven organization at Cornell.

A facilities walkthrough? Better hide the “Chicks We’ve Banged” scoreboard. And great, meetings. Just what this world needs, more meetings.

It is our aim to continually be in alignment with the priorities and values of the Kappa Chapter of Zeta Beta Tau Fraternity in order to meet the high standards set by the ZBT International Headquarters, the Cornell Community, and our peers across the country.

Puke.

Sincerely,
The Brothers of the Kappa Chapter of Zeta Beta Tau Fraternity

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