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Study Shows 96% of Cornell Students Don’t Give a Damn if They’re Jaywalking

After realizing that numerous students are almost hit by cars daily, President Martha Pollack decided to assemble a task force to figure out why this problem was so prevalent. According to the findings on Cornell jaywalking, the task force found about 96% of students just don’t give a damn if they’re doing it. 

“These students were smart enough to get into this school but cannot tell the difference between a “walk” and “don’t walk” symbol,” says Jim Frank, head of the study. “After weeks of studying their behavior we saw that many would cross the street wherever it was convenient, they didn’t seem to care about almost getting run down by a CU lift car!”

This study revealed a great concern to staff and the parents of the students. The safety is a topic that is commonly brought up on tour groups and college visits. With such high rates of students almost getting hit by cars, the school is desperately trying to find a solution.

“What are we supposed to tell these parents during tours?” asks tour guide, Anna You, “While I’m talking about campus safety, you can hear brakes screech and horns honk as students walk across streets they aren’t supposed to be walking across.”

Many solutions to the problem have been proposed and argued. It’s now up to the task force to determine the best route going forward.

“Listen I don’t want people to get hit by cars but they should have just a tad of fucking personal responsibility,” says Alice Shook, another member of the task force, “if parents wanted their kids to be safe then they should have learned to look both ways in preschool.”

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