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5 Types of Cornell Students at Insomnia Cookies at 3 a.m.

Desperately craving a cookie at three in the morning but know it’s just this side of too late for Insomnia to deliver? When you inevitably give into your cravings and commit yourself to the trek, here’s a field guide to identifying the five types of Cornell students you’ll likely run into at the Collegetown Insomnia Cookies at 3 a.m.

5.) The drunk sorority girl:
After pounding Keystones and doing shots at a frat party for hours, the drunk sorority girl will suddenly have the epiphany that this party has become “so lame,” and she and her girls need to get to another one stat, but not before stopping at Insomnia Cookies for a between party snack. The drunk sorority girl is easily identified by her gaggle of friends, unsteady gait, and constant gushing about how much she loooves frat parties and Cornell Greek Life. Don’t make eye contact with her unless you want to be subjected to the story of her entire night.

4.) The cookie fanatic:
Like you, the cookie fanatic is crazy enough about Insomnia Cookies that he or she will make the journey at 3 a.m. to get their favorite deluxe cookie. Do not attempt to engage a fellow cookie fanatic in conversation about Insomnia, they will become upset and possibly violent if their opinions are contradicted.

3.) The studier:
You can recognize the studier by the dead look in his or her eyes and the “this trip is the highlight of my week” vibe they give off. The studier has been up for hours doing work for class and this is their first and only break of the day. Do not engage a studier or you will be sucked into the hopeless pit of work and despair that surrounds them. It’s currently unknown if the studier’s work ethic is contagious.

2.) The stoner:
The stoner’s munchies can be counted on to hit at precisely 3 a.m., and sometimes they just can’t be satisfied without the heaping pile of goodness that is Insomnia Cookies. The stoner will often order an unreasonably large number of cookies and then sit down on the ledge and eat them in store before ordering seconds. Stoners often travel in packs.

1.) The beleaguered employee:
This type of employee is distinct from the other Insomnia Cookies employees due to the fact that he or she works the night shift at Collegetown and thus has to hand buckets to the drunk freshmen who don’t know their limits so they don’t puke on the floor. The beleaguered employee can frequently be heard muttering “fucking Cornell students” under his or her breath.

If you can remember and correctly identify these five types of people then your next late night trip to Insomnia Cookies will be a breeze. Just remember to keep calm, disengage, and stay on your toes. An ambush could happen at any time.

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