Let’s face it-everyone has had a Tinder at some point or another. Tinder is the millennial’s version of romance and getting some action so we all remember what sex is. But for those times that you don’t get a match nor a message back, it might be because you were part of the 11 things no one will swipe right on. Here are 11 absolute no’s you should avoid if you want to get any sort of halfway decent Boulder Tinder action.
11.) No picture:
Yeah, this isn’t some guessing game. We’ve all seen Catfish- plus, people want to know your face before sucking on it. It’s the equivalent of taking a lecture with a tenured professor who doesn’t have any Rate My Professor reviews- risky.
10.) Too much sausage:
Girls can’t even tell which dick he is because every pic of him is with his other dick bros. Whether he’s shotgunning for Instagram on the Flatirons or at The Rec getting super swol, you’ll start to wonder who he’s trying to impress.
9.) Bathroom models:
This goes for boys and girls. If they take a bathroom selfie where some sensual part is almost visible, probably time for you to move on. No one likes a total tease. Could be used for mild spank bank material though. Also, don’t take pics in the UMC toilets.
8.) Already taken:
If the pic features them with a human of the gender they prefer, assume they don’t really need Tinder. If they’ve already got game based on pics, then don’t waste time on a total player.
7.) Just friends:
Look, it’s a valiant and cute effort to be asking for friends on Tinder, but that’s like asking for the vegan option at South Mouth- not why people come here.
6.) Aggressive bios:
Netflix and Chill is the go-to line. Still doesn’t mean you should tell people that. Much like every freshman who changes their profile picture to them posing in the Folsom arch, it is so unoriginal. Get original or don’t get laid.
Much like the nutritional values at the UMC, no one really wants to know all of what’s going into the whole mix. Just let us know if it’s part of the Paleo diet and we’ll run with it, okay? Don’t talk about how this is a rebound or that you don’t know how to love.
4.) Truck pics:
Colorado, much to many people’s surprise, is part redneck. This does not mean everyone should be in a relationship with their car. You came to go down on hotties, not exhaust pipes.
CU is famous for the hippies- rock climbing pics, hammocks, and a dog. Also means they don’t shower and probably will want to talk about granola or something.
2.) Invites for three ways:
Cool! College is all about exploring and finding what you’re into. But no. No one wants to fuck you and your SO, or hear about it. It’s not hot. It’s weird.
1.) So basic it hurts:
If they have a pic with your butt out in front of some CU statue or monument, honey, you basic. Most pics are with the sorority and no pic include anything that has to do with personality- their profile just says how they came here from Cali and wanna feel the Boulder vibe.
Just do Boulder Tinder right: take a decent pic, upload a semi-interesting profile, get some action, and then delete the app off your phone until you’re jonesin’ for another fix. Don’t fuck it up and, what- give a shit? Weird. That’s not what college is for!
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