5 Reasons Why CU Boulder 420 Just Ain’t What It Used to Be

author-pic at CU Boulder  

When you applied to CU as a lil’ high school stoner, you must’ve looked up those notorious videos of 4/20, featuring thousands of stoners loitering on Norlin. Smoke lifted above the masses, everyone was having a grand ol’ time, and at that moment you realized that this was your dream school. Now you’re here, years later,  and the 4/20 you dreamed of experiencing as an acne-faced pubescent teenager just isn’t as lit as you had hoped. We sympathize, and decided to go into detail to solve the mystery of why 4/20 just generally sucks more than it used to.

5.) Norlin Quad Becomes A 34-Acre Crime Scene:
The quad used to be a stoner wonderland, full of happy people just gettin’ high without a care in the world. Now if you take a stroll along the infamous quadrangle, expect a jungle of police tape sanctioning off certain/all areas of this former stoner haven. Where hippies once loitered, policemen now loiter, waiting for someone to “disturb the peace” with their marijuana shenanigans.

Current students should really appreciate this totally appropriate use of resources, considering the amount reported assaults on campus this year. But it’s the devil’s lettuce! Someone has to protect campus from slow-moving people who smoke weed in public!

4.) “Protecting” CU’s “Reputation” as a “Legitimate Institute of Higher Education”:
Let’s be real, this college is in denial. The only reason people attend this school is because we turn up. Everybody knows it. CU spends A LOT to no longer be seen as the stoner university when, unlike 4/20s of yesteryear, now’s the time they could be totally capitalizing off it. Capitalism, you guys! Be Boulder? What about Be Baked? Just open up a dispensary where all the profits go to the university and poof, no more ridiculous tuition hikes.

3.) Administration Isn’t At All Concerned With Alcoholism:
Buffs get rowdy, and this also includes consumption of more than a few alcoholic beverages. Here’s CU closing part of campus for the one holiday out of the year that celebrates harmless marijuana, but when it comes to holidays that promote drinking – AKA every holiday ever created – CU seems to turn a blind eye. “The drugism is too blatant,” they said. “At least alcoholics don’t look like alcoholics,” they said. As a final fuck you to us all, CU went as far as putting dead fish on Norlin to shoo away stoners. Meanwhile, every stairwell in Hallett smells like dead fish following literally every thirsty Thursday. Just repulsive.

2.) CU = The Only Place In Boulder That Refuses To Smell Like Everyone’s Favorite Smell:
A reason we all loved 4/20 on campus was because, well, it smelled like straight ganj. Who doesn’t love that? This really brought out the earthy side of the university, accentuating Boulder’s hippy feel. Without that marijuana stench, the university just goes back to smelling like frat boy and eroding sandstone. While these smells aren’t horrible, come on, your alternative is weed. That smell just brings you back to the good ol’ days, and the possibility of getting a sweet contact high from inhaling some secondhand smoke would make anyone’s day.

1.) CU Just Ain’t What It Used To Be:
This is the real tragedy, folks. After the university started closing campus and taping off Norlin, CU went from a hard 9 to a soft 6 on the lit-o-meter. This not only stabs our own reputation in the back, but is also a real burn for potential CU students. We’re not mad, we’re  just disappointed in you, CU. Maybe all those douches who wear “Make CU Great Again” hats are right. What twisted world do we live in when boys who popularize Trump are actually right? A fucked up one.

Feel happier and more excited for this Thursday now? Yeah, didn’t think so. At least we can reminisce to the days where 4/20 was actually fun at CU and take pride in our heritage. Call up some alumni friends or family tomorrow and maybe cry a little, because it’s never gonna happen again. Good thing we’ll all just smoke weed on The Hill and sit inside on our couches. From all of us at The Black Sheep, have fun tokin’ up, Buffaloes.

Speaking of 420, do you call it “weed” or “pot”? Our editors argue which is worse on our podcast!