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5 Olympic-Caliber Alternatives For The Buff Who Doesn’t Leave The Couch

Tonight marks the beginning of the Olympics- two weeks of the world’s finest athletic showmanship and the depths of your feelings of failure as an only slightly active human being. We all claim to love snow and winter and all, but we only love it when it’s like, for two hours and then we can resume our normal non-activities. But don’t fret, boring and underachieving Buffs! Just because you’re not talented enough to do Olympic activities doesn’t mean you can’t go for the gold. Here are five Olympic-caliber alternatives for all you buffs that don’t really love leaving the couch.

Instead of LUGING, try DRINKING COLD BURNETTS:
Like its Olympic counterpart, drinking that ice cold Pineapple Burnetts that has been sitting in the back of your freezer since someone left it here after a dayger back in August is exhilarating for a second, and then gets dicey real fast. You take a shot and think, “Oh, that wasn’t that bad,” and then you realize that you are on a cold and uncomfortable ride and you’re probably gonna have to take an L this time. Can you finish fast enough to avoid feeling the sharp knife of defeat or an immediate hangover?

Instead of DOWNHILL SKIING, try TEXTING THAT GUY YOU KNOW THAT SKIS A LOT:
Fast, exciting, and if done right will end in a very good time for you. CU has a plethora of ski bums to choose from; try to choose that steezy park skier with the permanent goggle tan, wind burn and strong sexual urges towards something other than his twin tips. When you finally work up the courage to invite him to Netflix and chill to a Warren Miller flick, beware: the moment you’ve both been waiting for will probably only last about 30 seconds.

Instead of CURLING, try MAKING HAPPY HOUR PLANS IN THE GROUP CHAT:
Requires the patience to make thoughtful decisions and the communication to make sure everything ends up where it is supposed to be. Every move matters- what did Jessica say? Are Blair and Eliza good to work together? Who is making the reservation? Does the HOP drop you off at The Med? You’ll wonder what is keeping you for speaking up, throwing down your broom, and finding something better to do with your life.

Instead of HALF PIPE, try SMOKING A FULL PIPE:
Why do a half-assed job? You’re riding this sweet hazy trail all the way to the bottom. Hellz yeah. When you’re finished you’ll probably be tired, have transformed into Shaun White, and be ready to fuck up some Cosmo’s. Who knows, maybe this will be your best run yet. One things for sure: it’s gonna be an interesting night, folks.

Instead of BOBSLEDDING, try WATCHING ALL YOUR FUN FRIENDS’ SNAP STORIES:
It’s Friday night, and you’re sitting on your couch even though your friends invited you to The Downer, because you’re lame. And now these bitches are all over your Snapchat dashboard with their blurry-ass videos of green and red lights and a terrible “Despacito” remix. You don’t know what’s going on, but it must be a great time if they Snapchat it. Fuck. This is a test of strength. Don’t look at the scoreboard- you’re definitely losing.

You don’t have to travel to the slightly prettier cousin of North Korea to show off your talent (or lack of). We at CU benefit from everyone just assuming we enjoy sporty things, even if we actually only came here for the civil engineering program and excessive drinking. Lindsey Vonn? Psh, we’d rather watch our roommate poison herself with alcohol.

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