Any sophomore who has left the comfortable, safe embrace of on-campus housing and decided to venture into the dark, desolate abyss that is the real estate market in town knows the trauma that comes along with housing in Boulder. If you’re still sweet and innocent and living blissfully in your cute little dorm room with handy appliances and a functioning heater, then honey, you’ve got a big storm coming. We could rant about this for days, but we’ll keep it short and sweet- here are five of the ~countless~ reasons why Housing in Boulder is truly the worst.
5.) The options are mind-bendingly unimpressive:
You’d think in a town where everything costs one million dollars living spaces would be, like, ultra-swanky and over-the-top. Well, unless you want to commute to campus from your home in Bumblefuck, CO (or your rich-ass parents have money trees growing in their front yard), it isn’t. Most housing that us lowly peasants can afford is mediocre at best, at least 20 years old and has a dishwasher you probably shouldn’t put your fine china in.
4.) It costs an arm, a leg AND a kidney:
You’d be the luckiest person in Boulder if you somehow managed to finesse a house on the Hill for less than $1000 that isn’t a spider-infested, leaky and three-square-foot shithole. You know what they’re paying in Tuscon? $700. Bama? $600. FORT COLLINS? $500! Okay- we’d rather pay thousands to live in Boulder than any of those trash places but c’mon, it’s still not fair.
3.) All the good leases got signed, like, 2 years ago:
Let’s all be honest. Signing leases in literal NOVEMBER makes NO. FUCKING. SENSE. NONE! We’ll literally drink flavored rubbing alcohol at Pi Kapp on a Tuesday night without a care in the world, but we’re all foaming at the mouth and gouging out the eyes of the random sophomore who was at the showing. Like, chill guys, our parents won’t let us be homeless. If we all just collectively decided to sign leases at a reasonable time, like MAY, we wouldn’t have this problem.
2.) These landlords are from Hell:
We can’t even name which one is the worst- they are all so terrible! Ask anyone who has ever rented any property in Boulder County: landlords in Boulder are basically Dementors; their sole purpose is to literally suck the soul out of your once vibrant, bikini-ready body by draining you of your savings, patience, and any shred of self worth you had remaining.
1.) It’s so much work:
You’re not an adult until you’re sitting at a Starbucks, pretending to understand the convoluted legal jargon on the piece of paper in front of you and acting confident and assured signing your name in your ugly, 2nd-grade-just-learned-cursive lookin’ signature with an intimidatingly adult man sitting across from you just waiting to take advantage of your lack of real world knowledge and experience. Spoiler: he’s never going to give you your security deposit back because what the hell are you going to do about it? Welcome to the big bad world, little buffalo.
Finding housing in Boulder just freaking blows.You should probably just move back in with your parents now. The semester isn’t even over, but it’s lease signing season, everyone! Happy hunting.
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