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5 Theories As To What Happened To Your Lost Water Bottle

Everyone, literally everyone, has lost a water bottle at CU. The fancy glass ones, the cliché Target ones, and the plastic ones from a hungover morning bought from the vending machine in the engineering building. In the history of fucking never ever has someone kept the same water bottle for 4 years, let alone 4 months. Here are 5 theories as to what really happened to all those missing water bottles.

5.) Teachers:
Yes, believe it you ignorant twats, the teachers have a stash of these liquid containers too. Hydroflasks are a favorite- they keep their coffee as hot as your marketing TA, or their water as cold as their hearts during finals season. Behind the piles of paperwork they are always complaining about is a hoard of bottles. They like to keep them kinda like Slughorn kept Harry Potter. Not many are surprised when they open it up to find hidden booze or some week old Yerba.

4.) Other Students:
You know that one person in class that seems odd? Like, taxidermy enthusiast odd? Yeah, they have your bottles. It’s like a weird fetish that comes from not socializing. It’s the Bronies of CU. They are also known as the kids who remind the professors about homework and actually know how to sort through the stacks in Norlin.

3.) The Abyss:
Let’s face it. Class was a blur. Maybe it was the teacher’s monotonous voice or the hangover from the weekend, but either way, dignity, tuition and water are all left behind. Way to go. Its not until you’ve walked from the engineering center all the way to the Hill, do you realize it’s gone for good. Damn. You slowly die of thirst.

2.) The Dandelions:
Drinking water actually hurts the environment and the whole ecosystem. Water is food for plants, and you don’t want to hurt the plants, so no water for you at all. You saw one video of what plastic straws do to the planet and you swore off any containers or plastic for life. Photosynthesizing is the new fad diet. It doesn’t get much more #Boulder than that.

1.) You Don’t Actually Have One:
Hahahaha! You might try and trick yourself to think that you drink more than just Keystone Light and Franzia, but no. The most liquid you get is from the Hill on a Friday night. Detox and dehydration mean the same thing because it means you haven’t had booze. Somehow you haven’t managed to pass out yet and you rely heavily on water fountains as an excuse to walk around for 3 minutes every class.

Just don’t lose them! It’s nearly impossible, but water bottles are notorious for disappearing. Much like morals and values, Boulder’s bottle loss problem can be fixed by some basic responsibility and putting proper names on things. So of course, that’s never gonna happen.

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