Finals are swiftly clouding up the distance of Boulder, mashing out any leftover sunshine and happiness that you still had from the semester. Right now everyone is cramming and going back over things they should’ve learned a few months ago so they can regurgitate it all over a Scantron next week. In the meantime, though, did you know you’re learning a few valuable lessons about ~~yourself~~?
5.) How to Retain Information For 48 Hours and Then Immediately Forget It:
During the manic state that is a student’s mind in the final days (or hours) leading up to that Godforsaken cumulative chemistry exam they’ve been dreading, students will somehow magically gain the ability to learn what previously took students an entire semester to decipher. Almost just as magically, a student will literally forget everything the minute that the test is over. Like, literally everything. As you are handing in your exam, you probably won’t even remember what subject you’re in.
4.) How To Pack A Bowl (this is Boulder- did you expect anything less?!):
Even if you’re only an occasional dabbler in the marijuanas during every other week of school, finals week brings out the flannel-wearing, couch-potatoing stoner in us all. It is the only way to use the bare minimum brainpower possible, because every nook and cranny of your brain is solely dedicated to stupid facts about art history that no one cares about. If you claim that you “don’t know” how to pack a fat bowl and enter into Give No Fucks mode, learn. The way you pack a bowl is literally explained in the phrase “pack a bowl.” You PACK the BOWL. And be sure to sprinkle a little extra keef on top. (You’re going to need it.)
3.) How To Ignore The Fact That Everything Is Going To Complete Shit And You Hate Everyone:
Ladies — we have an innate ability to do this all year round, because, ya know, boys exist. But especially during such trying times, we all struggle with bouts of hopelessness and depression. Thankfully, we are all in this together: you’ll never hear someone ask, “So like, what are you going to do with your life?” during finals week. And when that annoying girl in your English class won’t shut the fuck up about how hard she has been studying, you will respectfully nod, pretend like you too have started studying, and resist the urge to release your pent-up, slightly sexual frustration on that bitch.
2.) The Trivialness of Literally Your Entire Existence:
Desperate times call for desperate measures, and unfortunately your mental health will be the first cowardly sailor to jump ship when the going gets tough. Your lack of mental health will serve as a shocking reminder of how important and nice it is to be able to do remedial tasks, such as explaining things to other people, cooking something other than pasta, and being a rational decision maker. But don’t fret when you forget how to speak: your sanity will return from its vacay in Cabo, and when it does, it will be perfectly sun-kissed and ready to take on your ex-boyfriend from your hometown.
1.) How To Commit A Felony Without Going to Jail:
Cuz bro, you’re about to MURDER this test.
So as you stumble out of that last exam, or turn in that last-of-six essays, there might, quite literally, be nothing going on inside that hollowed out cavern of a brain you have. However, as you unconsciously pack a bowl in your underwear in someone else’s apartment, you can rest assured you’ve learned a few valuable life lessons.