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5 Things No One Told You About Living on The Hill

The Hill is a beautiful place where the air is thick with the sweet stench of many marijuanas and struggling college students. We tell our parents that we must live here because of its close proximity to campus (aka ability to make it to your 10 a.m. hungover AF), but the real reason is that it’s a community of like-minded kids who are celebrating finally being away from their rich and suffocating parents by doing every single thing that they told them not to do. It’s a paradise of unhealthy decisions, overpriced and largely subpar food options, and that blissfully ignorant spirit that dumb college kids are famous for. Most sophomores, juniors, seniors, super seniors, and homeless people call this place home for one year and are hooked.

But for many a transplant freshman and sophomore, they remain ignorant about the not-so-fun stuff about Hill life until it’s too late… so here’s a brief summary about The Hill’s tragic flaws that you should know (and your parents definitely should not).

5.) Someone is always going hard. Like, always.
If that someone that is always going hard just so happens to be you, then congrats. You do you. But for the majority, there will inevitably come some point during your time of living on The Hill that you will not be that person; you will be the person who has gotten five hours of sleep this week, has a physics exam tomorrow, hasn’t eaten breakfast in four days, and is trying to enjoy five fucking seconds to themselves without listening to someone who obviously has no issues in their life have a fun, carefree time with their friends.

You can bang on walls and send kind texts to your upstairs housemates gently telling them to shut the fuck up because your ceiling is vibrating, but your best bet is to just accept it. And if you can’t beat ‘em, maybe you should leave your house for once and join ‘em.

4.) When it comes to your living conditions: hope for the best, expect the worst.
You would think that places that cost more money would be less shitty. This is not the case; maybe it will, say, have an ice machine, appliances from this century, or not look like an unfinished basement with a dishwasher thrown in. But unless you are one of the chosen ones who lives above Starbucks or Jimmy Johns (RIP Five Guys, we’re all still salty), it probably won’t. And if your landlord tells you otherwise, he’s a dumb liar, because every landlord on The Hill is.

Get used to centipedes. Familiarize yourself with fixing your Wi-Fi router. Realize that having more than a basic cable package is a privilege for the rich, not a right for a peasant like you. Get ready to pull some janky ass shit out of your drain, and to accept your living quarters for what they are. Which is mediocre as hell.

3.) Having a car is asking to have your soul crushed.
Even if you have your own driveway and don’t have to walk 10 blocks from where you parked to your final destination, you will still experience the terrifying struggle of a) trying to get the ice off of your windshield using that cardboard box you pulled out of a dumpster, and b) trying to drive your dinky ass front wheel drive car through the unplowed streets because the City of Boulder doesn’t give a fuck about any of us.

And if you’re all oh man I really dodged a bullet not having a motorized vehicle here, well sorry, because nobody gives a fuck about the sidewalks either, so strap on your crampons or prepare to walk like you’ve shit your pants all winter.

2.) Vagrants/homeless people/general weirdos are not that chill.
Especially if it’s 3 a.m. and he’s pounding on your door and yelling about how he can’t find his ex-wife. They seem super docile when they tell you you’re pretty while they are slumped outside of Walgreens with their mangy dog and homeless friends (they are literally all friends), but not so cute and cuddly when they sexually harass you when all you are tryna do is buy some wine and have a nice, quiet night in with Netflix.

What is the appropriate response to “AYYY GIRL, HOW YOU DOIN’?” Answer: there isn’t one. You can’t win. Your life is so unfair. Welcome to The Hill, sweetie.

1.) If you thought your dorm last year was ripe with distractions, just you wait.
It is both the eternal blessing and terrible curse that there is always something going on somewhere on The Hill — something that probably sounds a lot more fun than going to study at Norlin, writing a paragraph of your research paper, or sleeping for six hours. You can wreck yo’self in record time if you don’t check yo’self before you go to that darty that your ex will for sure be at instead of looking over the notes for that geography midterm for that class you’ve skipped for 3 weeks. Common sense is the key to future successes. Besides, drinking irresponsibly and throwing inhibitions into the Boulder wind is way more fun when you get Bs and Cs than when you slept through the exam.

But do not fear — living on The Hill, though it may be the worst decision for your internal organs, is definitely the best decision for your college experience. You’ll make tons of friends, gain 10 lbs., drink a lot of alcohol, and basically just become your true, uninhibited self. Be smart and don’t let your best friend from freshman year talk you into living in the Lotus or anywhere else in real adult territory. Just like your love life, living on The Hill is one big game of “How much can I lower my expectations before I can’t live with myself any longer?” And the answer, my friends, is lower than you think.

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