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5 Ways to Cut Boulder, Colorado

Ask 12 different people too define Boulder and you’ll get 12 very different responses. That bitter old lady thinks it’s overrun with idiotic teenagers because she hates us all; that stoner complains about how the best shatter is always too expensive; and a Boulder native bitches about how “Boulder isn’t defined by CU” and real Boulderites have it so hard. Here are 5 definitions of Boulder, defined by the very things that define it.

 

Things people use as backpacks:

Do you ever find yourself walking around campus staring at people’s backs? It’s a normal thing, and it’s pretty normal to ALWAYS see girls with white converse pair them with a North Face backpack. It’s almost revolting, for some reason do rich women think their $50.00 North Face can carry their book, pencil, makeup bag, and tampons better than your average Joe’s backpack? Now, by contrast there’s either someone with a stupidly expensive backpack, or no backpack at all. This is obviously a symptom of living 3 minutes away from your class. Not to mention, freshman’s lives are so low stress, to bring anything more would be extra. But, let’s face the facts. No matter if you are using a North Face bag, something Chanel, or an old reusable grocery bag, we can almost guarantee that any bag at CU Boulder is going to have your weekend hustle or weekend getaway inside.

 

Where people hike:

Now, this doesn’t include where actual hiking connoisseurs of Boulder go to hike. This is exclusively for students who lack adventure, which is a majority of the population, and the rest of the Boulderites who never bother to google “hikes around Boulder.” Chautauqua is just that special Boulder spot that can get you the most Instagram followers. Why people love Chautauqua is actually a mystery. On the weekend, this open space is equivalent to a mall on Black Friday, complete with white trash trying to push past you to complete an unreachable goal. And yet, Chautauqua still reigns as the typical hiking spot in Boulder.

 

Weed prices

Remember being a naive freshman, possibly new to the area and all the dankness Boulder has to offer? We all do, and that’s why we all regret settling for whack weed prices being sold from an acne-faced Californian out of Kitt West. Little did you know that actually anywhere outside of campus lines will have better deals than you could ever imagine. It only took you moving into an expensive apartment at an expensive university just to realize this. Imagine all the money you could have saved ripping $12.00 1/8ths as a freshman, and all the PBR you could have bought with that money. RIP.

 

Wall decor

One of the easiest ways to identify the socio-economic status of a household is to look at the walls. Not to mention, it’s also a great way to tell if you belong somewhere, or if you need to GTFO. If you’re a CU student who walks into a house and immediately there’s a psychedelic poster of Bob Marley riding a tiger with a joint in its mouth — you probably thought you were walking into your own place. However; if you see some glowing steel structure that looks like it was made by a neo-classical welder elevated on a pedestal, you’ll probably ask yourself why you’re so far west on the Hill.

 

Pastimes

It’s amazing how different locations in Boulder can have such different pastimes. One minute, you’re on the Hill and it’s like you’ve transported to Jabba’s Palace where there’s drinking, women in revealing clothing, smoking in musky cave-like houses, gambling, basically just a shit show. You walk about 5 blocks to the west, and the sound of Vivaldi echoes across the street as you can see adults chugging wine through their ten-foot wide custom home windows. But you can easily witness their past lives by just going to the U Club and watch rich boys crash their Audi’s and do lines off their Juuls. Then, of course there’s the forgotten populations of Boulder either playing video games in the dorms, or raising cattle in the grasslands of basically Longmont.

However you choose to define Boulder, one thing is for sure: there is definitely at least one tapestry in your house and you probably paid too much for the Purple Alien you’re smoking. But who knows, maybe someday you’ll sip wine and talk about how Bernie didn’t get a fair shot in your house decorated by ancient tribal anal beads. If you’re lucky.

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