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5 Ways To Get To The Hill Without Eating Shit

Wintertime is glorious at CU. And while the stoner ski bums are shredding the gnar on some double blacks at A-Bay, you’re out here just trying to get from Hellems to Hale to Sig Nu without eating it in front of a judgmental stranger that you will probably never see again. Campus can be treacherous this time of year, and we all know that replacing the salt that we all need with sand does not fucking help us at all. But have no fear, there are still people who understand your needs. Inspired by many generations of CU students eating shit on campus, here are five carefully crafted and student-approved routes from major campus hotspots to the Promised Land, University Hill.

From The UMC- Yellow Route:
You found someone’s Buff card at The Rec two weeks ago and were shocked when nobody tagged the owner when you posted a pic of it in your class’ 1,345-member Facebook group. So here you are, trudging all the way to the UMC’s help desk to turn it in like the Good Samaritan you are. How ever will you get back to your dimly lit living room in your house on The Hill? If you think you should walk through campus, possibly running into that kid from your geography class, you’d be wrong. Turns out, walking along the cusp of real-person land is your best option- people give a lot more of a shit about real adults than pesky college kids, so those sidewalks will be pristine.

From Norlin- Blue Route: 
You’re emotionally exhausted from your late night anthropology study sesh slash Facebook stalk of your sort-of ex to make sure he’s not doing too well. Turns out, he’s doing really well, crushin’ brews with the boys and canoodling with his annoyingly decent-looking sort-of girlfriend. You need to get home to your wine and aren’t sure your ego can take another hit on the way home tonight. Easy and probably the route that you’d take anyways: walk along the left side of the quad (the right side is sketchy at best), take another left towards Hellems, mosey on up that crowded brick sidewalk that leads to the College underpass and you, friend, can take it from there.

From CHEM- Purple Route:
If you’re in CHEM 140- which, let’s be straight, you are- you probably just spent the last 50 minutes making happy hour plans at The Med in a group text while half-listening to the girls next to you make their happy hour plans at The Med. Fuck. You better make a reservation soon. You’re trying not to have to change your jeans before you go out- you’ll just throw on a nice top and maybe a bra if you’re feeling it- so you can’t afford to get too close to any ground wetness on your journey home. We got you. Skip your normal jaunt through campus and instead make your way across that no-mans land with the fountains and into the UMC. Be sure to wipe your feet real good on those doormats or prepare for the possibility of an indoor spill. From here, follow the yellow route for safe travels.

From Duane- Orange Route:
Oh shit. You’ve crossed onto the wrong side of the 18th street tracks. You knew that nothing good could ever come of this, but you heard that they were recreating Flubber in the lab in the Duane basement, and you just had to see it for yourself. You fucking loved that movie. But now there are a lot of underclassmen milling around, and you’re ready to get the fuck out. Easy peasy- just cross 18th street (use the crosswalk, you jackass) and head towards the back entrance to Norlin. Cutting through Norlin will reduce your chances of slipping and falling while simultaneously boosting your mood by laughing at all the kids studying during week three of the semester. Once you exit out the front of Norlin, follow that blue route to victory.

We’re not gonna guarantee that you won’t fall, nor are we admitting liability if you break anything. These tips will get you to The Hill, but once you’re on The Hill, all bets are off. Once you pass 13th and College, snow control becomes a free-for-all and you’ll have to do whatever’s necessary not to wipe out. Good luck.

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