As if you’re already not drowning in student loan debt and rent payments 5x the price of what your piece of shit apartment is worth, CU loves to make their students even more suicidal through the sheer insanity that is parking on campus. You won’t find a single damn lot that doesn’t require a permit, and to get that permit? Sacrifice your first born, basically. But we understand your pain and we’d love to sarcastically rant about it so here’s five places you can park at CU where you’re guaranteed to be safe from a ticket.
5.) The UMC Rooftop:
An ideal spot for ‘gramming, hiding from ground-level responsibilities and parking that 15-ton hunk of trash that you only use for getting to east campus when you’re hungover and late-night Taco Bell runs. The people who give out tickets like sophomore girls give out chlamydia would probably be too impressed that you got it up there to give you a ticket. Beware if you have black leather seats though- those 364 days of sunshine will surely make those hot as shit.
4.) Literally the middle of Kittredge Pond:
An ideal spot for business and engineering students, Kitt Pond is the perfect free parking spot. It might be a little difficult to get to, but there are possible entrances all around the Kittredge Loop where you can sneak your car in. Then, just drive right off the shore and into the pond! Expect some slight water damage, but no parking ticket. It would just get wet and the ink would smear anyway.
3.) The Shakespeare Amphitheater:
Most of you might not even know what the hell this is, and that’s the key. The Shakespeare Amphitheater is a hidden spot on campus that only the elderly and uncool know about. Other than that, it’s an enigma! You’d have to squeeze your car in by the UMC, but once you get in there, no one will even notice (except for the freshman that go there to hook up on the lighting platform at the back- whatever, they won’t tell).
2.) The Fishbowl in Norlin:
If you’re getting really desperate, one option is always the Fishbowl in Norlin. Just drive right through the quad, up those steps, through the pillars (we assume that they’re just for the aesthetic and don’t actually provide structural support), over the front desk and right into the center of the library. You’ll have so many murder charges, the cops won’t even bother giving you a parking ticket!
1.) In your professor’s driveway:
Real adults are weird and love to do weird adult things like getting to their offices at 6:30 a.m. to grade papers, do Satanic rituals or whatever else professors do. Their driveways are empty pretty much always! Most of them live within a convenient couple of miles from campus, so it’s the perfect spot! And if they come home before you’ve moved your car? Fuck them anyway, they gave you a 78% on your midterm paper.
There you have it, the only surefire ways to avoid a parking ticket on the CU campus! Now you don’t have to worry about taking up a 3rd job as a stripper to afford those $500 parking tickets (but other criminal charges may apply).