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5 Weird Boulder Ordinances That You Should Know About

In recent years the recovering alcoholic that is the city of Boulder has really laid down the laws, and it’s not always appreciated. Some of the most notorious crackdowns deal with things like fake IDs and bar fights, resulting in headaches for many well-intentioned, fun-loving and self-destructive 18-20-year-olds who were just trying to have a good time. You’re probably familiar with many of these, such as Boulder’s newfound strictness regarding porch furniture that could ~potentially~ be set on fire, but here are five of the more obscure Boulder ordinances that you should probably know about.

5.) No Touching Rocks:
So let’s say you’re out getting faded one night, and on your stumble-walk home from Pearl, you see some ugly rock just sitting there, spreading its ugliness and ruining your life. You should be able to move that rock, right? There are, like, a million rocks and one tiny one doesn’t really matter, right? No way, Jose. This weird-ass rule says that no one except designated rock-movers can roll, throw or toss rocks or boulders. Well, a city named after a rock must protect that rock, right?

4.) No Power Tools After 9:00 p.m.:
Between classes, your job and your much-needed couch time, it’s already 9:30 p.m. and the patch of brown grass and dirt that you call a lawn needs mowing. Besides, landscaping at night always calms you and prepares you for a long night of listening to your roomie bitch about her ex that you told her not to get back with. Or maybe you’re just dying to whip out your electric drill and go to town on something, anything because you just had a 3-hour class in Hellems and are feeling hangry. Nope- after 9:00 p.m., that’s what Boulder calls unreasonable, friend. 

3.) Dogs Off Leash Can Be ‘Destroyed’:
Listen up, PETA and Delta Gammas who love puppies. This code says that any police officer in Boulder is allowed to “destroy” any dog running at free and creating general hubbub. Which makes us wonder, what exactly does destroying a dog entail? Shooting it? Scolding it? Telling it that it’s owner doesn’t actually speak dog?  Who knows? Like, we get that you want to punish us, CUPD… but bringing our dogs into it? That’s brutal. 

2.) Your House Can’t Smell Like Weed:
So, even though weed is legal, according to the odor emissions ordinance, the place where you can legally smoke this legal weed can’t legally smell like weed. Sounds legit, right? Besides the fact that it gives officers cause to blow up your spot and confiscate that Ugly Stepsister that you just purchased, a little odor of that good Kush never killed nobody.

1.) No Sledding:
Who’s the Grinch who decided to ruin the childhood of millions of kiddies trying to enjoy the wonders of a snow day? This ordinance restricts sledding, sliding and even tobogganing to designated sledding trails. When was the last time you even saw a sign that said, “sledding allowed on this hill only”? What’s next Boulder, cancelling Christmas 2019??? So lame.

So weird, right? These ordinances are obscure but actually very true, so save yourself an ugly run-in with the law and obey them. Check out the intoxicant and disturbance codes while you’re at it- lord knows your dumb ass needs to know them, too.

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