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6 CU Resources No One Uses Because They’re Dumb

Ever wonder where the hell that $60,000 your parents pay every year is actually going? Well, turns out, it’s going to a whole bunch of shit so absolutely useless and obsolete, you’ll wish you never read this. Here’s seven dumb CU resources that no one uses, because no one asked.

6.) Writing Center:
Unless you’re a first semester freshman in their useless freshman seminar writing class after you failed the AP Composition test, you’ve probably never set foot in the writing center. Why would you waste your time with a peer editor in a dusty old room in Norlin when you could experience the adrenaline rush of opening up D2L after you’ve turned in five pages of unrevised bullshit?

5.) Nightride:
While it sounds helpful in theory, waiting three hours while shitfaced drunk outside of Kappa Sig for some random sophomore to pick you up in a white van just isn’t realistic. Especially when they make you schedule in advance. Like, who the fuck do you think we are? SO not worth it when you could drain your bank account with Uber instead.

4.) Buff Tutors:
Honestly, getting a B+ instead of a B- in your stats class really just isn’t worth the pain of spending three hours a week sitting in a cramped room in Buckingham and being forced to painfully interact with a socially impaired grad student who’s trying to hide his majorly creepy crush on you. Doing well in school is for losers, anyway.

3.) Office of Greek Life:
Yes, theres actually an Office of Greek Life. They all just sit around and talk about how shitty the frats are here. It’s in the creepy labyrinth that is floors three and four of the UMC and is covered in a nice three inches of dust because no one cares if Sigma Nu boys are douchebags.

2.) Nutrition Services:
As if Boulder wasn’t already rich and white enough, the school literally pays rich white people to make you feel like shit about gorging yourself at the C4C. Ironically located right above that very dining hall, their first piece of advice? Don’t eat at the dining halls.

1.) Office of Conflict Resolution:
Does your roommate clip their toenails in your room and leave them on the floor?  There’s literally people who get paid to help you work through things like that. You could talk out your problems with your roommates, professors or peers, but why would you do that when you can just put Nair in your roommates shampoo or write “fuck you” on your professor’s FCQ?

There you have it, six of the most ridiculously stupid resources that literally no one at CU uses, but pays for. And who knows, maybe now that you know, you’ll give em a try. Or not. Because they’re DUMB!


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