St. Patrick’s Day, another useless holiday used as an excuse to get drunk, is upon us. You know what that means; CU is gonna. Be. Lit. So, if you’re one of those individuals that likes to avoid the drunken annoyance of college students and prefer to keep this St. Paddy’s Day low-key (or you’re a lame virgin), keep these hiding places in mind while you’re darting in between drunk penny-boarders and passed out pledges.
6.) The Leonard H. Gemmill Engineering, Mathematics & Physics Library:
If you’re looking to spend your St. Paddy’s Day in peace, then this nerd library is just for you. Located in the Math Building, the very location and name of this library screams dull. The most excitement you’ll witness will be when Cletus finds the derivative of an exponential function, or when your mom texts you wishing you a fun and safe St. Paddy’s Day. Either way, not much is going on here.
5.) Literally anywhere in Kittredge:
There’s a reason Kittredge isn’t known as LITtredge; it’s pretty much the housing community of intellects and rejects. Sit by the ponds of Kittredge on St. Paddy’s and the extent of madness you’ll witness will be when freshmen run to be on time for their RAP class. Oh, and someone may pinch you if you’re not wearing green. But that’s about it. Instead of turning up, just go and feed the geese – maybe they’ll have a good St. Patrick’s Day for you.
4.) Your room:
If you’re not the type to party, then what’s the use searching campus far and wide for places to hide? Just do what you normally do, and take the form of an antisocial recluse and find safety in the comfort of your own bed. Assuming you don’t have a horrible roommate, they’re bound to keep the party out of your space. If your roommate IS horrible, well, sorry.
3.) The weird bowling alley in the UMC:
One thing’s for sure; on St. Paddy’s Day no one is going to be within a mile radius of anywhere that offers good, clean fun. If you want to celebrate the holiday without all of the madness, the world’s stupidest sport should surely keep you entertained. And don’t worry if you need to use bumpers, no one will be there to judge you. It’ll just be you…on top of the world…knocking down pins… taking names.
2.) Any bathroom in the Engineering Center:
It’s still disgusting, but not necessarily full of drunk people. Much like the Leonard H. Gemmill Library, you’re more likely to witness academically-inclined students doing their business– which is not nearly as disgusting as the raw and drunken shrieks of someone blowing chunks in the stall right next to you. Both options are pretty disgusting, but at least, we can all accept that everybody poops – even Cletus who, following finding his derivative, decided to unload a fat one in a celebratory ritual.
1.) Accept that you probably will never escape the mayhem:
This is CU Boulder, and if you wanted to escape St. Paddy’s Day excitement, you should have gone to our unexciting counterpart: CSU. In Boulder, no matter where you are, there’s no escaping the drunken college students, screaming, “SKO,” and showing their school pride in the form of binge drinking and blunt smoking. So, instead of escaping, maybe try embracing. Get your ass out of your room and into the daylight, with the real humans doing real, somehow socially acceptable human things that real buffs do.
Hopefully this little guide helps you get through the craziness that is St. Paddy’s. Everyone knows that this craziness isn’t always fun, but sometimes you just have to suck it up. So go out and embrace this fake holiday, and remember to wear green, or else you’re going to get pinched by frat bros. And no one likes getting pinched by frat bros.
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