Looking for ways to potentially annoy a friend and fellow Buff? Or just feel like getting attacked on Pearl Street? Just follow these 6 easy steps, and you’re guaranteed to never be allowed within 10 feet of a CU student ever again, just like our staff writer Noah’s Uncle Mitch.
6.) Don’t recycle:
If you want to fire up a Buff, a sure thing you can do is throw that plastic water bottle of yours straight in the trashcan. Just wait a few seconds after misusing the garbage receptacle labeled “Landfill” around a CU student and you’ll be hearing, “dude, not cool,” followed by, “do you even care about Mother Earth?” This student will most likely have a septum piercing and just one dread – you brought this upon yourself.
5.) Say anything positive about CSU:
However, know that such actions could potentially put your life in danger. The very mention of CSU serves as a trigger for frat bros and theatre students alike. They then start to group in dense clusters, and chant “F*CK CSU,” destroying anything – and anyone – in their way. Saying anything positive about CSU around anyone who goes to CU is the equivalent of going into a church and yelling “I LOVE SATAN.” Be prepared for not just one, but an entire group of angry people, ready to reinforce the rivalry and yell as loudly as they need to prove that it does, in fact, suck to be a CSU Ram.
4.) Drink bottled water:
Yeah, remember that water bottle you threw in the trashcan earlier? Every CU student could already smell that filth from a mile away, and we’re not talking about the copious amounts of shit that ferment near the Kitt ponds. As you’ll find out after a stern discussion with a Boulderite, this filth comes in the form of convenience, and ends up polluting our planet. Carry a plastic water bottle around, and find yourself amid a horde of Nalgene owners whom glare and growl at the sight of such treachery.
3.) Say something along the lines of “Donald Trump will make America great again”:
The day after the 2016 election, the CU campus carried the feeling of a graveyard – the students seemed to be mourning the death of a great, democratic nation. If you really want to grind the gears of the populous radical left-wing university, simply say anything that shows an inkling of support for Donald Trump. In a few seconds you’re bound to undergo a lecture highlighting why Donald Trump is the new Hitler, and you can most likely see such a student turn red in the face, and show symptoms of a stroke.
2.) Ask “What does ‘Sko Buffs’ even mean?”:
Say these words at any house on the Hill and you’re guaranteed for the entire party to stop and stare, disgusted at the audacity of such a question. Then a vocabulary lesson will ensue: “DUDE! It’s like ‘let’s go’ but the two words are like, mashed together: ‘sko’ SKO BUFFS!” The party will go on eventually, but a tainted view of your humanity will remain in their field of view. “What the shit? How does he not even know what “sko” means?” Your minimal understanding of CU tradition and the slang-filled English vocabulary will land you a spot at the crossroads of Judgement Town and Are-You-Fucking-Kidding-Me City.
1.) Say the Flatirons are ugly:
There are limits for everything. When it comes to insulting the entire population of CU, criticizing the geologic phenomenon that is the Flatirons pretty much guarantees injury. Saying the Flatirons are ugly is a slap in the face to all the Instagram posts, snapchats, and numerous CU logos centered around the mountains. You might as well just start throwing babies in an icy river, because an insult towards the view is an insult towards the community. You should look forward to spending your days in solitude, because CU students leave no room for non-mountain-lovers.
Now that you have this newfound knowledge about what truly pisses a Buff off, please use this guide at your own discretion. The Black Sheep is not responsible for any injuries that may occur in accordance with this article. Piss a Buff off at your own risk.
Speaking of Flatirons, the only shirt you need on Powder Day: