Two facts hold true for college students: we love food, and we’re impatient. When a situation arises in which we are hungry, and have to wait, a whirlwind of sadness and anger accumulates. Especially when we have to wait for food at the UMC, one of the most stressful places to get food on campus. And there are a whole lot of other things we’d rather be doing that waiting around in line.
7.) Wait for the dude/girl from last night to text you back:
At least when you’re waiting for a text back, it’s a fun game – there may be a plot twist or a happy ending. But waiting in line for food – you know the story and it will end with a half-cooked chicken breast, slapped on a dry bun. At this point, knowing you underperformed last night is a lot better than having to face the reality that you just wasted a half hour for food that you don’t even like that much.
6.) Watch the leaves change color:
Waiting for a signature fall drink in the UMC Starbucks? If you want a taste of fall that will actually be worth your time, just go and watch some leaves change color. It may take a while, but you’ll be outside, experiencing nature. There might be cold winds that bite every time they hit you, but that’s a lot better than having to listen to the girl behind you in line. She’s talking to her best friend – Becky — about how “the people here just don’t get as fucked up as we did” and how she, like, needs a latte before her 10 a.m. Time to go look at some foliage.
5.) Wait to be helped by an Apple Store Associate:
Everybody with an Apple device knows this struggle. You wait for an employee to take your iPhone, they go into the abyss that is the back room, and they emerge three hours later with a fixed phone. However, you know that it only took half-an-hour to fix your phone, and then another two and a half for the Apple employee to smoke weed and play Mario Kart. When it comes to this situation though, at least there are iPads. Where are the iPads in the UMC, huh?
4.) Search for your Buff OneCard:
Yes, at this point losing one of the most essential items to your college career seems more fun than waiting in a line. When you lose your Buff OneCard though, at least there’s the assurance of uncertainty. It could be under your bed, or in your jacket, or lying on the cold floor of Hellems. However, when you’re waiting in line for food, there’s no uncertainty. The food is right there. At the end of a line that seems to be going nowhere. The anxiety of losing a Buff OneCard is a mere pinch, compared to the lobotomy that is waiting for curly fries.
3.) Wait for that one viral Youtube video to buffer:
Ah yes, a struggle many eduroam connectors know too well. Somehow even the epitome of 21st century impatience seems like a better experience than waiting to eat. Granted, if a video buffered for 30 minutes it would be a little much, but at least you’ll be guaranteed to understand what the hype is about that “pen pineapple apple pen” video, rather than dwell on how depressing it is that you’re paying tens of thousands of dollars to wait in a line.
2.) Talk to your grandparents:
Calls with Meemaw and Papaw can get a little stressful, especially when they start “educating” you about the negative effects of marijuana usage. However, listening to grandparents on the phone becomes way more enjoyable when it comes to the alternative. Also, waiting for food never ends with the possibility of having a check sent to you. Grandparents, on the other hand, always hook it up.
1.) Literally die:
Somehow, while waiting in line for food, the sweet kiss of death doesn’t seem like a bad alternative. When one is tired, hungry, and crushed with the impending doom of midterms and final projects, the grave seems like the only appropriate place to rest. Why wait in line when you never have to wait again?
Avoiding the line at the UMC might leave you hungry, but at least you’ll still have your dignity intact.
If you woke up this morning surrounded by ravaged Lunchable boxes, then this one is for you: