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The Brain Anatomy of CU Freshmen, Sophomores, Juniors and Seniors

Throughout the four years here at CU our brains change and morph into entirely different things. While freshmen are freaking out about losing their V-Card and learning how to not throw up after shotgunning a Natty, all seniors can think about is whether or not they’re “totally over” Boulder, or want to stay here forever and ever. We sliced open a few of your brains, and here’s what we found. 

Freshmen:

Young, fresh and innocent, a freshman’s brain is the least damaged by various illegal substances and has the most brain cells, but not for long. 30% is allocated for nervous excitement and awe directed at any and every aspect of college. 10% goes to unrealistic expectations for sexual encounters now that you’re “adults” away from your parents. Another 10% is filled with misplaced love for campus dining. For guys, 20% is a unstoppable drive to actually make it into a frat party, and for girls, an obsession with frat boys. 10% is a sweet but soon to be dead enthusiasm and motivation for school, another 10% is thinking you’re cool for wearing your Buff Card on a lanyard around your neck paired with the shirt CU gave you during move in, and the last 10% is missing your mom.

Sophomore:

No longer fresh or innocent, the sophomore’s brain is slightly less damaged than upperclassmen’s, and they still have a fair amount of brain cells remaining. 30% goes to suppressing an impending feeling of adulthood and increasing pressure to figure out what the fuck you’re going to do with your life, but ignoring it because you still have two years. A whopping 50% is a feeling of superiority to freshman because you’re no longer one of them (5% of that 50 is dedicated to making fun of freshman). 10% is devoted to throwing house parties every single weekend because you’re so excited to actually have a house of your own to ruin with beer and Burnetts, and the last 10% is still missing your mom.

Junior:

You’ve finally made it, you’re an upperclassman, but that means you’re also halfway done with college and terrifyingly close to true adulthood. A junior’s brain is almost devoid of brain cells due to two difficult years of drinking Burnett’s and Keystone, but 50% of their brain is filled with elation and excitement for their upcoming 21st, when they can finally start drinking booze that doesn’t taste like gasoline and tears. 30% is anxiety about all their friends having internships when you still don’t and still aren’t even sure if you chose the right major but fuck it’s too late to change now. 10% is depression about your time in Boulder coming closer and closer to being over, and the last 10% is still really missing your mom.

Senior:

99% fear. You’ve only got 9 months between you and the real world. You have to find an apartment or a house, a job, or you’re applying to graduate school to procrastinate acclimating into the real world outside of college. You barely have any brain cells left because you drink your sorrows away, and you’re starting to doubt if your communications degree was actually worth $200,000 in debt. 1% is wishing you could move back in with your mom and never have to grow up.

Pretty accurate right? Right. Maybe that anatomy textbook that you have literally never opened in all your years here was actually worth the $150.00. The next time you have a ~naughty~ thought and assure yourself that no one has any idea, just know- we know. Literally everyone knows.

Now go listen to our podcast!

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