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5 Ways to Bribe Your CU Professors to Get Out of Taking Finals


It’s all fun and games until it’s the last week of classes and you realize that you’re absolutely screwed in the butthole. You should’ve spent way more time on homework and way less time Googling conspiracy theories surrounding Ralphie’s death. Even after your desperate emails and invalid excuses, professors are still not falling for your bullshit. Well, you can always try to bribe your way out. Here’s how: 

5.) A Fat Joint:
Hey, this is Boulderright? Most professors blaze harder than you do as a way to cope with being, like, old. A little kush will get you back those Clicker points you slept through. Bonus points if you smoke down with them so there’s potential for blackmail. After all, you know what they say: study high, test high, roll a fat joint and get high with your professors, threaten to send pictures of said high professor to his wife, get high scores.

4.) A Granola-Ass Fruit Basket:
Call Edible Arrangements, because it’s about to go down. Get the full works. Pineapple. Strawberries. Shit, throw some fuckin’ melon in there. Make sure it’s GMO free and all organic, because it’s still Boulder, and we wouldn’t want your genius bribery to backfire now would we? It’ll cost more than you’ve spent on food this month, but hey, at least you can say you got a C in bio.

3.) Starbucks Gift Cards:
Your teacher pulls more all nighters than you and still comes in and deals with your bitch ass every day. For that, they deserve some free caffeine.You shouldn’t have trouble getting your grubby hands on one, seeing as there are almost as many Starbucks here as dispensaries. Some brown nosing with coffee is a sure way to secure that C-.

2.) A Baked Good (you know how to bake, right?):
You’ve baked weed brownies, right? It’s very similar– just be sure to use Land O’ Lakes butter, not pure unrefined THC. If you do that, this is foolproof. How can you say no to a cake? Exactly. You can’t. Arrive at their office hours with a cake, and there’s no way your professor won’t pass you.

1.) Drink With Them:
See your professor outside of class? Buy them a glass. See your professor at Absinthe? Say hello to the aliens, because you’re literally in a parallel universe right now. Regardless, there’s no better way to get to know someone. But don’t get too comfortable, because they’ll still judge you if you say you gave that presentation drunk last weekend. 

So you slacked off a bit…or a lot. You’re going to spend a lot more time telling Mom and Dad that you’re studying rather than actually studying. So here’s to a little ass kissing, and a lot of luck. You got this!

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