Freshman year was rough: you spent $3,000 on Uber, got bunions from walking at least five miles a day, lost two toes to frostbite from trekking through the snow every damn day for five months and have three MIPs as proof of how many times you your drunk ass stumbled through campus to get home. So you finally said fuck it, and brought the piece of shit Scion you inherited from your older brother to Boulder. You think it’s a great idea, it’ll be so convenient, you’ll go on road trips and life will just be so much easier! Oh, honey. You’ve got a big storm coming. Here are just five of the many reasons why you’ll hate your life if you have your car in Boulder.
5.) Finding parking will literally make you want to die:
We’ve been over this before: CU has a bit of a parking issue. You have two options: either pay 500 precious dollars a year for some shitty parking spot that is still a 10 minute walk from wherever the hell you call your home or you bust your balls driving around in circles trying to find a spot to parallel park- only to ding the car in front of you and the one behind you. Good luck!
4.) Pedestrians are a hazard:
It’s all fun and games when you’re the one throwing yourself in front of oncoming traffic, but when you’re behind the wheel, it’s a whole different ballgame. You no longer have the upper hand or the mentality of a motorist paying your tuition. You’re the one who could be forking over tens of thousands of dollars because some frat boy threw himself in front of your Jeep and faked a spinal cord injury. Have fun paying off those loans.
3.) Bikers are also a hazard:
You thought it was bad when they swerved past you so fast you felt the breeze on your ear? These fuckers are so ballsy they’re even worse than pedestrians. They don’t give a shit that you have to get to work on time; they’ll ride in the middle of the fucking road when there’s a bike lane three feet away. And they don’t care if you fall 1,000 feet off the side of a cliff to your certain death because you had to swerve around their slow ass into oncoming traffic you couldn’t see. They’re more important than you, didn’t you know?
2.) Winter is terrifying:
If you’re a big baby from the West Coast, you have no idea how the hell to drive on ice or in a minor snowstorm. And if you are from somewhere where your parents actually taught you how to drive in the snow, you’ll be dealing with all of our dumb asses sliding all over the place and/or driving two miles per hour.
1.) Everyone drives SO slow:
If you grew up driving basically anywhere that’s not another tiny mountain town, you understand this one. In the rest of the country, 10 above the speed limit is considered being cautious. But in Boulder? 20 below is the norm. Maybe it’s because everyone’s old, or high, or whatever. The frustration from being stuck behind a car going 20 in a 40 every morning on your way to work will take at least 30 years off your life.
Please, for the love of God, don’t bring your car to Boulder, for your own sake and for the sake of the collective whole of Boulder residents. Get your entitled little ass on the bus, take up walking or wreak havoc on those poor suckers with cars and buy a bike. Thank us later, Buffs.
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