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Where Chancellor DiStefano Will Spend The $22 Million He Took From Us

Last week, CU Chancellor Phillip DiStefano yanked $22 million from the $23 million fund. If you’re not a math nerd, that leaves a single million left to student government. To many college kids, a million sounds a cushy retirement fund, or at least three months’ rent. But the budget was responsible for campus facilities and student experiences- DiStefano claims he is going to keep the money in the same spots, but won’t let students have a say in pretty much anything anymore. Nice educational lesson DiStick-up-your-ass. To ease your woes, we’ve compiled a list of five ways that the $22 million DiStefano stole from us could be spent.

5.) Cabo:
Like all land-locked CU folk, DiStefano and his band of merry villains are def going to some tropical island this summer where they will all laugh manically over margaritas about how that new student center will never actually be finished. 

4.) A New Teachers Lounge:
Since there aren’t even official buildings for some majors, the teachers clearly need a posh lounge to chill out and grade papers at ease. There will be velvet couches with silk pillows. Also a complimentary cocktail bar and a fancy cheese plater, because you know no one would show up if there wasn’t food.

3.) More #BeBoulder Stuff:
The last thing CU needs are more signs that shine in gold and black – seriously CU, everyone gets it. Every lecture seat will now come with a Ralphie plush toy, and dropping next year is a whole beauty line by DiStefano. The first product, Eau de Fucked Over, will come in at a cool $8 million and probably won’t be that great.

2.) New Football Players:
After the last million years of CU football not being that great (no, we suck), DiStefano hopes to have more money for bidding on some halfway decent athletes like prized racing horses. He actually plans to buy the Broncos and make them the Buffs, because who likes the Broncos anyway?

1.) Helping CU:
Okay, most likely not…But wouldn’t that be a fucking daisy? Imagine: a world where the projector works in all of your classes and there is no construction on campus. Oooh, chills.

It’s all gonna be okay, because our Chancellor is highly qualified and definitely didn’t bribe a bunch of alums with Buffs tickets and promises to give their unemployed CU grad kids jobs to get here. Friends, Phillip DiStefano is like that semi-atttractive frat brother watching the door at the party: drunk on power, corrupted by money, and someone should probably tell on him because he is giving lots of weird looks and generally ruining a nice thing.

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