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CU Administrators Revel In New Plan To Combat Bookstore Stress With Cheap Candy

The bookstore, even with its free burnt popcorn and expensive CU gear, still can’t make Buffs happy in the winding checkout line that comes with every passing semester. 35,000 students need books, so naturally, 35,000 students climb in and out of that dungeon with bitten off nails, clumps of hair missing, or just straight up tears.

So this esteemed institution of education and improvement has come up with what one employee calls, “a genius incentive to get students in the door”. In conjunction with the CU Bookstore, CU-Boulder proudly presented their latest lovechild: an idea to give students in line two, TWO, free Tootsie Pops.

The lollipops were originally given to those who were crying after seeing the bill or to those who literally fainted from standing in a line for days. Also to the Buffs who ordered books weeks ahead and then are told they have none of the books in the building.

Now, the sweets are given to all, a prize for not going fucking nuts at the store.

Today, students can get 2 lollipops for the cool price of $40,000 (plus the extra $400 for books). Ann Beth, a faculty member, says, “This revolutionary idea will hopefully stop mental breakdowns from happening on the first day back from break.”

Senior, Amy Shytless, only cared to share, “Fuck it, at least it’s free”.

As students are not real adults yet, we can still be bribed with sugar and cheery greeters.  It isn’t until after a student has carried around 30 pounds of paper and gets  two free lollipops do they realize that they are about to spend more on books than they do on rent. 

CU apologizes in advance if all the blue raspberry and cherry ones get taken first and grape and orange are left over.

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