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CU Athletics To Pay Off 60-Year-Old Shakespeareans In Next Phase Of Anti-Culture Protests

About two weeks ago, AEG Productions released tour dates for two nights of Dead and Company at Folsom Field for the third consecutive summer. Unfortunately, the dates happened to coincide – again – with the Colorado Shakespeare Festival (CSF). This isn’t the first time the Athletic Department and Shakespeareans have butted heads: in the summer of 2016, the University payed the CSF $100,000 in hush money for a similar scheduling issue. Now, the Athletic Department is prepared to forfeit $150,000 for the exact same incident.

“I love the arts,” comments one of the board members of CU Athletic Department. “But if the Shakespeare Festival gets in our way of making at least a mil on this Dead and Company concert, then that shit has to go. Here at CU, we have morals- we’ve established that best way to apologize to someone for a royal mess up is to give them as much money as they need to properly cope,” he continued.

The dates for the Colorado Shakespeare festival were set in October of last year, much earlier than the Dead and Company’s concert, announced in the middle of January. The concert will affect one performance of the CSF – Love Labour’s Lost – and the settlement is expected to cover the costs of lost ticket sales and other revenue from it. While all ticket holders have been promised to be refunded, some fans of the playwright say it doesn’t necessarily make up for buying out a performance that is part of a 60-year-old Boulder tradition.

“When we had found out the Athletic Department allowed Dead and Company to book at the same time at the CSF… I want to say I was surprised,” comments a CSF coordinator, “but it’s some shit I knew they would pull. I had a dream about it the night before they announced it, and even in my dream I remember asking, “so how much can we make from this epic slap in the face. At this point, when you’re a connoisseur of cryptic 400-year-old poetry, you’re used to losing to the jocks. Planning an event at a big campus like CU essentially keeps me in high school.”

A local man who is a supporter of the Colorado Shakespeare Festival, and has made an effort to come to the festival for the past six years has an interesting take on the subject: “The issue is not that a beautiful, classic performance has been thrown in the recycling bin, but the town of Boulder is actively losing its culture. First, it’s the Taco Bell Cantina on the Hill, and now this? I’d like to see one of those psychedelic tie-dye fuckers that love guitar solos so much perform Moth’s monologue from Act 3 Scene 1. Now that! That, is a true guitar solo.”

Despite a very small outcry from the Shakespeare community, the CU Athletic Department has made it clear that the show must go on. “We really didn’t mean to put our unwelcome actions in the sauce, but sometimes that’s just how life goes,” says one of the Athletic Department chairs. “Also, the income that we make from the concerts will partially fund a trip to the UK, so we can drive up to the Church of the Holy Trinity and shit on Shakespeare’s grave. Personally, I am very excited.”

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