A Scene-by-Scene Breakdown of CU Boulder’s New Commercial

author-pic at CU Boulder  

If you haven’t seen CU Boulder’s latest million-dollar masterpiece, watch it. It is sure to disappoint. Quite honestly, it just sucks. Making CU Boulder their own commercial is almost as wrong and desperate as the new CU-flavored ice cream that probably tastes like Burnett’s and $100 bills. Here is a little summary of the most notable scenes you’ll encounter in this PAC-12 Network trash; play us in… guy playing a piano in… Folsom?

The horrible, horrible narration:

You’ve just started watching this commercial and you’ve already come across the first egregious error. Not only does that  voice over sound like the narrator from that Arby’s commercial, but it’s actually the voice of the Dean Emeritus of Libraries, Jim Williams. As if CU’s reputation wasn’t embarrassing enough, now this prepubescent robot voice that has somehow come to represent the entire student body will live in cyberspace forever.

That dude aggressively taking his exam:

About five seconds into the commercial, the camera focuses on a nervous student who is about to take either a big test or a big shit.

As he breathes deeply and literally dives into his test – head first – the other students in the background do nothing. They’re looking straight ahead with not even papers under their pencils. Meanwhile, this dude is writing like he just had a Shakespeare-worthy burst of inspiration on blank sheets of paper. Is he stressed because he’s the only one that must take the exam and he never  even got a Scantron? The world may never know.

A professor writes angrily on the blackboard:

Fourteen seconds in, the production crew thought it would be a good idea to have someone with a stern face write the word entangle (is this a metaphor?) on a chalk board. This guy looks really pissed off.

Pause the frame, look closely, and you’ll notice why he’s so angry. First, his pants are so long they wrap around his Converse. Second, there’s no one in the class! He will never get tenure now! It only shows part of the first row, but we all know if the class was real, if that one kid with the ponytail and flannel isn’t there, no one is. At least no one can catch a glimpse of Mr. Professor’s fashion crime.

Ralphie’s tongue + steamy tagline = sexy cinema magic:

The moment before is always the hardest. Is this a commercial for CU Boulder, or the title of a porno in which the two characters finish before they knowingly have to kill each other? That’s dark, but when you make up a shitty tagline like that, homicide-porno comparisons are what you’re asking for.

About 23 seconds into this piece of trash there’s just a ~casual~ shot of Ralphie’s tongue doing what Bison tongues do: not much. Obviously, the production crew just decided to throw some tongue action in this suggestively named commercial, all while this Bison is caged and strapped up. Real classy, CU. It’s hard to imagine any symbolism bison tongue can portray, except the blatant sexual innuendo that people of this university are so obviously obsessed with. This clip easily brings Ralphie down to the status of a sexually-depraved fratboy.

Runners, uh, running:

The commercial wraps up with a shot of the famous Ralphie runners. A thing of beauty among CU Boulder enthusiasts, but purposefully putting the great tradition of running Ralphie during a football game at the end of this “climactic video” is pretty stereotypical for the institution it’s representing. CU Boulder just settles with the perception that everybody runs a bison around a stadium or watches in shitfaced awe.

Then there’s this fuckin’ guy:

Stop wearing that. Virtual reality isn’t going to happen. 

Or that girl playing with a fancy abacus?:

It seems this should be the big finale of this commercial. This girl is workin’ on some real intricate lookin’ stuff, and that’s what we’re all about here at CU: learning how to do fancy science stuff on fancy, you know, science stuff.

If you’re not disappointed then you must have horrible taste in commercials. At least be proud that this certain production doesn’t totally mirror the quality of a CU experience. Hey, the bad commercial might just lower tuition! And you know what that means: less people going to frat parties. So, cheer up, hoeless-Jeremy. You might just one day get into Phi Tau one day (lol).

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