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The Only 6 Posts You Ever See in Your CU Class Facebook Group

When entering college, freshmen join their respective “Class of ____” Facebook groups thinking they’ll make friends and move on from the burning wreckage of high school; just like college, they soon discover it to be a Groundhog Day loop of depressing and confounding experiences. To read through any one of these groups is to witness the social media equivalent of a Philip Glass piece: the same exact conversations repeating in the same exact ways for all eternity. Most students stop paying attention to the thing after a few months. The remaining stragglers are absorbed into the eternal cycle of ticket sales and roommate requests, becoming a cog in the vast collegiate machine that grinds down the sanity of all caught within its parts. Here are the six kinds of posts you will find in these houses of madness.

6.) Lost Buff OneCards:

Thanks for holding onto it. Wouldn’t want it finding its way to a lost or found or anything.

If you’ve ever misplaced your Buff OneCard and it never showed up in lost and found, chances are someone picked it up, posted a picture of it to a Facebook group, and then kept it for themselves. These “lost card” posts are futile shouts into the void; no one is reading, least of all the person you’re attempting to contact. After the first few months of school, only 5% of freshmen continue to pay any attention to their Facebook group, and for those still checking it there’s only a 5% chance they’ll even see their lost card among all the other nonsense that clutters a typical Facebook feed. So if you find a card and make one of these posts, you have a 0.25% chance of reaching out to the owner, a 99.75% chance of wasting your time, and a 100% chance of looking like an idiot.

5.) Personal Profiles:

It just goes on and on…

Oh, so you enjoy skiing, hiking, and a chill atmosphere? That’s very unique! Take your pick of the five thousand other freshmen that posted the same exact thing. Don’t worry about choosing the “wrong” person; for your first year at CU Boulder, you will likely live in a glorified broom closet with nonfunctional heating and no private bathroom. Day by day, these conditions will gradually degrade you to the base animal from whence you and your ancestors evolved. Regardless of whom you pick, by the end of first semester you will find all of civilization, much less that roommate with a sleeping schedule directly contradictory to yours, to be intolerable. In a way, these posts are a metaphor for life at large: so many paths to choose, and none that veer away from the inevitable end.

4.) Roommate and Subleasing Requests:

This person posted the same thing every day for a while and probably still didn’t get anyone.

If those long personal profiles are the product of starry-eyed and hopeful freshmen, then these requests are the consequence of four years of the crushing realization that absolutely everyone is an awful roommate, so soliciting a random sap off Facebook with minimal introduction will get you just as good a person as your four paragraph essay on why you love the mountains and partying. Compounding the living problem is that no apartment complex offers a lease that fits the school year, so now you have to hunt down those mythical students that, for some obscure reason, want to live in Boulder’s constant haze of marijuana for the summer as well. The older the Facebook group is, the more prevalent these posts become due to everyone realizing this is the only thing the group’s actually useful for.

3.) Some Outdoors Activity Thing:

I’d love to go! By the way, can you explain why the words “ax” and “murderer” keep showing up when I Google your name?

If you enjoy travelling to remote locations with a complete stranger, then these are the posts for you. Like profile posts, these tend to die off quickly into the group’s existence after everyone realizes that Facebook isn’t the place to meet new people and form bonds of friendship. This is clearly for the better. The less people who see these posts, the less who go on a hike with Joe Smith and end up in a wood chipper.

2.) Tickets:

A typical flock of ticket-related posts.

The Chainsmokers are an American DJ duo that was formed in 2012, and rose to prominence in January 2017 after every single one of their tickets was resold through Facebook. You’ll always know when a music act is visiting Boulder because the days before and of the event half of your news feed will be students selling tickets, and the other half will be students asking if anyone is selling tickets. Given the nonexistent activity on all of these posts, one gets the impression the two groups are kept apart by a brick wall, separated lovers who could form the perfect union of scalper and scalpee if only they could somehow find each other. Maybe their failure will teach them to procure their TroyBoi tickets earlier than the day of the concert, but probably not.

1.) The Black Sheep Posts:
Nothing to say here. These are clearly the worst.

 

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