Your first frat party changes you. Whether it’s for worse or for better depends on if you’re at Sig Nu or AEPi, but one thing is for sure: after stepping off of this beer-soaked dance floor and back into the safety, security and sunlight of the real world, you’ll be sure to be able to buff up that unimpressive skills section on your resume. Here are just five of the entry-level skills CU students can add to their resumes after attending a frat party.
5.) Keeps calm under pressure:
Every high school senior thinks they’re so cool being able to take a shot of Smirnoff without a chaser. Rookies. The true test of power comes when it’s Jersey Tuesday and an effortlessly cool-looking Pi Kapp in a Polo hat hands you a bottle of whipped cream Burnett’s with a smile and a wink, making you feel low-key obliged to take a pull while looking mildly hot. Your esophagus is literally screaming at you to stop. No, not until he looks away! After this, you can keep a straight face in any situation.
4.) Willingness to get down and dirty:
Nothing says takes courage like touching a 1930s-era porcelain toilet that hasn’t been cleaned in literally months at SAE. You’re too drunk to hover, so your naked ass is all up on that loose-ass toilet seat. But you have the bladder of a small chicken right now and you have five seconds until your 15 best friends pee themselves, so you’ll do what you gotta do. No mess will ever seem so terrifying ever again, not even eating at the C4C.
3.) Adept at focusing on the task at hand:
After having a full-length conversation with your friend about how the fuck you’re getting back to CheyHo over the the horrible screeching and pounding of some random Soundcloud remix of “Closer” that should probably be illegal, you’ll learn to block out the noise. You’ll now be able to effectively tune out your coworkers, office crush or whoever the hell is bothering you and get shit done! Selective hearing is an essential skill for any young professional.
2.) Fluent in complex industry jargon:
Talking to boys who have shotgunned so many Nattys, ripped so many Juuls and gulped down so much Absolut is even less stimulating than talking to your elderly coworker about their grandchildren. But we feel like we should be civil towards the Junior asking us who we came to this basement frat party with when really we both know that neither of us give a shit who you’re here with. You’ll master the art of pseudo-conversation; talking without saying anything that he can use to identify you when he sees you leaving CHEM 140.
1.) Years of experience in exploitation:
Being a #girlboss in the workforce means dodging creepy advances from your 50-year-old boss. And when he sees you went to CU, he’ll smirk and make some weird comment about how you must know how to party. But you won’t flinch, after four or so years of fraternity boys calling you sweetie and touching you without asking, you’re used to it. After a few frat parties under your belt, you’ll be so used to being treated like an object, you won’t even notice!
Next time you’re struggling to think of applicable workplace skills to fluff up your resume with, don’t fret! Just think of all the bullshit you’ve been through in order to get alcohol underage and stay socially relevant. Finally, you can delete “Microsoft Word” from your list of proficiencies and replace it instead with the ability to beer-bong three beers. We Buffs are always learning.
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