Last Monday, fraternities at the renowned University of Colorado in picturesque Boulder celebrated another year of undefeated slow-walking. This year will be the eleventh year in a row that CU fraternities have won the special honor. Greek houses included in the award include the only ones that actually matter: Sigma Pi, Sigma Alpha Epsilon, Pi Kappa Phi, Kappa Sigma, and Sigma Epsilon.
A joint celebration, pun intended, took place at the popular bar Press Play, which was closed to GDIs, unattractive males, and females who are not blonde. A self-proclaimed frat star that has devoted his entire life and his parents’ bank account to his Greek organization commented, “Yeah, the award is dope and all, but we’re raging this hard every Monday night.” He was then swallowed up into a sea of high fives and mindless cheering.
Is slow-walking a skill taught to all CU frat pledges, or are they just born with it? As it turns out, walking like you have nowhere to ever be has taken the place of memorizing the Greek alphabet in the requirements of pledges. When not taking turns punching their pledges in the face, actives are hard at work shaping these somewhat gentlemanly high school grads into full-on douchebags.
Chad Hardwick, active fraternity member notorious for his cavalier treatment of women, said, “We actually have undercover members all over campus to spy our pledges and make sure they’re not, ya know, walking fast like a fruitcake or anything.”
An alarming majority of fraternity members attributed their slow-walking to being weighed down by things like “swag,” “cool,” and their “deep thoughts,” such as concerns over how to get their formal date to sleep with them.
“We gotta make sure everybody knows at all times that we’re chill AF and nothing is that important to us… We were kinda worried about losing to the football team — and now that they’re actually decent they walk even slower — but we came through on top… we always do,” commented one winner before winking seductively.
Melanie Phillips, proud independent and recent victim of getting stuck behind two frat boys on a narrow sidewalk, complained, “It’s not like you can walk around them, cuz you know they’ll just silently judge the shit out of you and then talk to their bros about how rude you are for not ogling at their attractiveness. If you have five minutes to get to class and get stuck behind a frat bro, you’re pretty much fucked. Time to throw in the towel.”
CU fraternities hope to continue their winning streak and eventually receive the highest honor in the Greek community, Slowest Walkers of the Millennium. The winner gets free Natty Lite and Lifestyles condoms for a year, and you know nobody loves cheap beer and off-brand condoms that make them think their dick is bigger than it is like a frat bro. Frat on, my bros, frat on.
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