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CU Parents Withdraw Daughter’s Tuition After Experiencing Kappa Sig Tailgate

Mother of CU sophomore Tara Fieldings, Linda Fieldings, is refusing to pay tuition and demanding her daughter’s immediate transfer to a less fun school after watching college students at renowned brotherhood Kappa Sigma fraternity outdrink her 5’9, 330 lb. husband at a tailgate during her visit last weekend.

While freshmen frantically hid their contraband and sprayed their last bits of Febreeze, Tara, a communications major who claims that she “hasn’t learned anything except how to look sexy while taking a shot of Burnett’s,” thought it would be a great way to acclimate her parents to her new home on The Hill.

Instead of just taking her parents to The Sink like everyone else, Tara represents a new generation of students that opt instead to expose their parents to every single stereotype of Boulder college culture, because nothing says, “Thanks mom and dad for paying my outrageous tuition and ungodly rent, you’ve made a great decision sending your blonde, vulnerable daughter here” like Keystone Light and handsy frat bros.

CU Dean of Students, Richard Trump, received a strongly worded email from Mrs. Fieldings, as follows:

Dean Trump-

Last weekend I experienced student behavior so heinous and irresponsible that I feel the safety and integrity of my daughter is in danger. Not sure if you have an accurate understanding of what kinds of activities your students are partaking in on ‘the hill’ or the unhealthy choices being made there, but my husband and I feel strongly that her immediate transfer is in order. I attended what the kids refer to as a ‘dager’ (a day-rager, which I interpret is a group of students assembling to excessively consume alcohol during the daytime hours), and was shocked and frankly extremely unsettled by the lack of morals and personal hygiene displayed by many of your students. I am not paying for your university to condone this type of tomfoolery. Are you teaching these kids anything? Maybe Stanford or UNC-Chapel Hill would be safer options for my daughter, or maybe we’ll just homeschool her.

Many parents expressed shock at the amount of debauchery and half-naked females that the university so meticulously hides from prospective parents: “I saw that ‘I’m Shmacked’ video, and I assumed it was staged, but it is actually completely accurate. Every stereotype that I have of Boulder is true. I even saw a girl driving a Rover,” one father was overheard saying. Students at the university seem to think otherwise, saying, “It’s only like that, like, maybe four days a week.” The other days, we’re just getting stoned and not doing our assigned reading.

We asked Tara about how she felt about the recent controversy, which she says began when she and all nine of her roommates were diagnosed with Chlamydia after attending Kappa Sigma’s annual Beachapalooza. “This is so my mom, ruining everything. God, she’s so embarrassing.”

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