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The Top 7 Nonsexual Ways CU Turns You On

Honestly, who needs aphrodisiacs when you go to CU Boulder? Sure, sexual things can turn college students on anywhere, but it takes a truly sexy as fuck campus to make even nonsexual things sexy. Light some candles, Buffs, cuz we’re about to get sexy. Here are seven nonsexual things that definitely turn every CU student on.

7.) A good looking Labrador Mix:
In one of the most dog-friendly and dog-obsessed states in the country, nothing gets our blood pumping quite like the thrill of spotting a beautiful dog sitting happily by his owner’s feet as they enjoy a nice meal in the autumn sun on the patio of some restaurant. Wanna get really kinky? Try interrupting their conversation or their meal to ask to pet their dog, and follow by asking a bunch of dumb questions about the dog that you could’ve figured out yourself. Ohh baby, anyone got a cig?

6.) Burnett’s:
This one is more of a guilty pleasure. You know, one of those things we all like but don’t think we should, like doggy style. We pretend we don’t drink it and that we don’t ask our 21-year-old friends to buy it in bulk at Hazel’s, but we all do. There’s no shame, kids! It’s a natural part of growing up and discovering your sexuality.

5.) The great outdoors:
Whether it’s skiing, snowboarding, hiking, mountain biking or just getting blazed next to a tree, CU is full of tree-hugging hippies that get huge boners from spending time with good ol’ mother nature. Feeling confident and want to take your sexuality to new levels? Try composting!

4.) UMC curly fries:
Almost gets you going as much as D2L does when your quiz grade  goes green. Some pleasures are so vividly intense you’re willing to wait 45 minutes in line for them when you really need to be studying for your midterm in two hours. This is one of those pleasures.

3.) Overpriced rent:
Nothing gets a Buff hot and bothered like paying $1.2k a month for a piece of shit duplex with 30-year-old plumbing and a severe rodent problem in the basement just so they can be as close as possible to Kappa Sig. Fuck.

2.) Losing football games:
There comes a time in everyone’s lives where their libido slows down. Fortunately, that time is definitely not when you and some sweet piece of ass leave before halftime because our football team is losing to some state school. 4-3? We can definitely fuck with that.

1.) Talking about going to CU:
Nothing, nothing, gets buffs wetter than going home and  bragging about all things CU. Drugs are totally OK, the mountains are amazing and it’s so much better than than the shitty state school all your high school friends go to because their Daddy couldn’t fork over 50k a year like yours can. Kind of sadistic, honestly, but we don’t kink shame here.

You’d better booty text your daytime fuck buddy and make plans to Netflix and chill later, cuz you are horny as hell. All these nonsexual things are making you feel like you haven’t masturbated since ‘Nam, and you’re ready to get it on with your equally horny partner. Go wild! But wild wild, not dumbass wild. There’s a reason that you never see a pregnant Buffalo.

Speaking of sex, listen to our podcast!

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