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A Drunk Review of All Things CU

You may need some liquid courage in order to think about what passive aggressive quip you should say to that dude talking too loudly in Norlin, or if you should wear a jacket because it’s 70 degrees right now but there is a tornado, a monsoon, and also a snowstorm in the forecast two hours from now. However, you definitely don’t need to not be intoxicated to get terribly lost on any part of campus that is not main campus or to get spooked every time you turn the corner and see that old man statue by Old Main (even though you’ve walked by it, like, a billion times). We all don’t have to get drunk to ramble for hours about our university, but we did, because it’s fun and for educaiton.


Bathroom Reaction: Immediate. Do not trust a fart after eating C4C food. Asian Shi Pin more like Asia Shit Pan right guys???

Atmosphere: General Sadness, served with a side of hangovers and regret and sriracha bottles that remind you of throwing up last night. 

Number of times you said you would never eat here again: 24, since yesterday

Grade: C for C4C is cooking for crappy cooks.



People Watching: Top notch. Wear dark glasses for max creepin.

Atmosphere: Library for people who hate the library and also babies?????

Money: With the bookstore and cafeteria all in one place, you’re bound to leave here broke and sad. 

Grade: B- for Buffs are too broke for this. 


Reality: Tell everyone you’re going to study and then drink coffee and write one sentence, refresh Facebook thirty times, decide this isn’t the right atmosphere and then go home for a nap. 

Atmosphere: People who pretty much live there and people who have never seen anything other than the Laughing Goat and the printers.

Hookups: Top floor in between the old history books is a great spot but don’t drink alot of coffee before because you know what coffee does to your butt lol

Grade: D, cause fckk that place



If You’re Actually Hurt: Don’t go here. 

Atmosphere: Drunk injuries and people who read WebMD and think they’re having an aneurysm or think they can get a weed prescription.  

Waiting time: You’ll bleed out and then you’ll die and they’ll throw your body in the trash out back.

Perks: Steal and hoard all the free shitty condoms and cold care packages. Don’t steal the Vicodin, they frown upon that.

Grade: C for Wardenburg more like MORGUEendburg! like a morgue for dead people whatever this is a drunk review not the Daily Cam-er-ah. 



User Friendly: Nope. 

Frustration Level: Stare at browser doing nothing until you realize this is the reason you’re failing and have a meltdown. 

When It Actually Works: When you don’t have something important to turn in but there to creep on classmates. 

Grade: D for Dreading 2 Live



Reminders: Signs for students to remember that they have to wear clothing because this is Colorado not your white ass country club in california. We’re all pasty. 

Atmosphere: Bottom floor thick layer of testosterone spewing from bros who take ab pics for their tinder profiles 

Buff Pool: Looks good on tours. Daddy pays $40,000 a year so you can tan with your ass out ?

Grade: A. It’s actually a kick ass gym but don’t go when you’re drunk because it feels weird and people look at you weird. 


Buffs Football:

Fans: Only fans when we’re good.

Games: Show up for the second half because you pregamed too hard or you leave at the half because your pre game buzz is gone

Athletics: Most students have only seen football games, supposedly we play basketball too, and maybe baseball?? We’ll get back to you on that.


Grade: A if we’re good, C if we’re rubbish. RUBBISH!!!!!!!!


Farrand Field:

Pictures: Every single freshman has taken a picture of the Flatirons through the main gate. Basic. As. Freshman. Fuck. 

Atmosphere: If the marching band isn’t blaring, then there is a gaggle of barefoot hippies slacklining because we don’t know why??

Reality: There have been so many drunk pisses, hookups, and joints there, it should be classified as a biohazard.

Grade: F for Farrand Field gets an A in Our Book!

CU is great, but CU is better if you’re in the “right” state of mind, if ya get what we’re sayin’ (get drunk and walk around it’s fun)… As you can see, our campus is beautiful and put-together-on-the-outside. On the inside, well, you know how it is. 


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