You’ve already bought your $400 ticket, your $400 round trip flight to California, $400 on culturally appropriating outfits at Urban Outfitters, and you think you’re about ready to brave the white-girl infested desert of Indio Valley. It’s daunting, it’s exciting: it’s Coachella. Truth is, no one is ever truly ready for the shit that goes down in that dusty wasteland. To help you get through the second weekend alive, we went to the first weekend, and brought back these tips on what you should be emotionally prepared for.
5.) Spending As Much Money As You Did On Your Ticket On Shitty Food Stands:
If you thought movie theater food prices were atrocious, you’ve obviously never been to a music festival. Expect to pay at least $15 for shitty food made in a crowded, sweaty food truck, and you’ll have to wait in a 2 hour line just to get it. You’d actually save money just snorting coke for dinner, but hey, of the two you can only Instagram the hotdog, and that’s what you’re really here for, right?
4.) A Lot More PDA Than Anyone Asked For:
When you combine drunk young adults, skimpy clothing, and good music, PDA is really the most probable outcome. Expect to see that one sorority girl in your advertising class’s tongue in some guy’s mouth, not to mention various strange adults grinding in the concert clouds. Maybe you’ll even get lucky and see some of your favorite celebrities groping each other behind the porta potties!
3.) People ~Relieving Themselves~ Literally Everywhere:
Speaking of people, expect to see their genitals. Coachella wouldn’t be Coachella without drunk girls squatting in the middle of crowds to empty their bladders, in full view of hundreds of people. Drunk guys may or may not be peeing on innocent bystanders’ tents. Just pray you never get wasted enough to become one of those poor souls.
2.) 130 Degree Port-A-Potties:
Unless you get shitfaced enough to be one of the people mentioned above, you’ll have to brave the horror of the dreaded Porta-A-Potties. It’s unfortunately inevitable after scarfing down an obscene amount of overpriced junk food and shotgunning four beers, so accept it, plug your nose, and try to pretend you’re not in a literal shit sauna. Oh, and hope it doesn’t tip over while you’re in it because yeah… that happens.
1.) Meeting Your Heroes and Subsequently Dying Inside:
Coachella is a right of passage for every celebrity. Would they even be a celebrity if they didn’t go to Coachella? Odds are, you’re going to see your childhood crush or role model absolutely blacked, throwing up on someone or something, or doing lines of coke somewhere they thought no one would see them. Really evokes a sense of blissful nostalgia to the days adoring them on your favorite Disney Channel Original Movie, doesn’t it?
When you return to the real world, you’ll quickly realize that you’re broke, exhausted, covered in dirt and drugs no matter how many times you shower, have severe brain damage, contracted the bubonic plague, but can’t remember a damn thing. Guess you’ll just have to do it all over again next year, and hope this time your short term memory won’t be absolutely obliterated by the amount of strange substances you snorted, right? Ah, Coachella.
Oh and on your way there, listen to our podcast, ya dope!