Boulder, CO – As the days pass and CU students settle into the summer months away from campus, the horrors of the spring are still fresh in the minds of CU staff who are reportedly “reeling” from this year’s move-out cleaning of the school’s 25 dorms. Farrand Hall, notorious for being the wild party dorm on campus, was this year’s worst offender.
While staff in Farrand are no strangers to the horror that results from the shared space of 400 out of control unsupervised teenagers, this clean out season was reported as being “truly traumatic,” “unfathomably disgusting,” and “above and beyond the expected layer of accumulated dirt and grime.”
Jack Meyer, a senior custodial staff member who also was on duty during the infamous “treeing” of the third floor bathrooms, was left shaken by the incident. “That dorm is an abomination,” he said, shaking his head slowly with a distant look in his eye. “This is kind of situation can only be rectified by a cleansing fire.”
Meyer wasn’t the only person involved who felt that way. Stephen Karp, a “rookie” janitor new to Farrand, had previously worked the engineering quad. Following the summer cleanup of Farrand, however, he was absolutely baffled. “I just don’t understand how they had they time to do this,” he explained. “The engineering kids usually just build mega beds or take their chairs apart for ‘extra seating’ that are annoying to take apart. I thought that was the worst thing I’d deal with… but boy was I wrong. On my first day I saw ‘Farrand Fam’ written on the wall in what looked like human blood, and that was just the tip of iceberg.”
According to reports, staff members have taken to group counseling, where they express being so traumatized by the extreme filth and destruction that they claim that they will never be the same. “To put it simply, the future of the human race is at stake,” one staffer said. “During our preliminary clean we found hundreds of discarded shack shirts and moldy, half-eaten Grab ‘n Go burgers, a baby crocodile, and even a few human limbs. Kids these days!”
One former 2016-17 Farrand resident found living in the dumpster outside the hall over summer admitted that the claims “sounded about right,” and that she would “rather die than clean that place.”
CU officials have yet to respond to these allegations.