Midterm exams are clouding the Boulder sunshine, you’re stressing about the moronic group project teammates you have to deal with, and you’re probably getting way less sleep than normal, if for no other reason than lying awake wondering how a D in marketing will prevent you from ever being gainfully employed and living in your parents’ basement. You need a stress release. We all need a stress release. And sure, there are healthy ways to do it, like the ways recently listed in one of those lovely emails CU sends us every other day, but where’s the fun in those?
Do you actually give enough of a shit about what you’re worrying about to really be worrying about it? Do you really believe that when you apply for work at Taco Bell, your C- in College Algebra is going to change anything? Let’s be rational here. Unless you’re some nerdy engineer or a football player, these four (or five) years matter very little. In fact, once you leave here, this will all be a distant memory of that time you lived in the first state that legalized weed and actually enjoyed getting drunk and roaming the darkened streets of a city with a lot of homeless people.
Alcohol, Weed, or Inebriant of Choice:
10/10 you enjoy getting a lil’ bit messed up (and NO, “high on life” doesn’t count, you fucking weirdo) because, well, who doesn’t? Pick your technically legal intoxicant of choice and watch your problems slowly melt away (but not literally- getting too stoned is not a good time) as you revel in the blissfully ignorant joy of slowly killing yourself. And if you’ve never done drugs (LOL), well my friend, you are living in the perfect place to start.
There are literally real stores run by real adults where you can buy drugs without having to make super awkward small talk with a drug dealer (Sooo… do you like, make this in your basement, or…?).
Have a “Sleepover” With Your “Friend”:
No sleeping will be happening (you hope), and you probably are not friends. But hey, what are horny college boys good for if not providing us with the mediocre sex that will quell our latest hormonal panic attack? Bonus points if you mix this with #2- then you’ll definitely be too regretful about your post-blackout hookup to worry about dumb things like having a future.
Extra points if you hook up with a guy from Chi Psi and then have to do the walk of shame in the snow the next morning without a coat. Nothing says “I have my priorities straight” like sitting on your bathroom floor and wondering if you have Chlamydia or a UTI. Am I right, or am I right?
Do Literally Anything Besides What You Should Be Doing:
Clean your sheets. Organize your trashcan. Break out that Swiffer your mom gave you freshman year and clean the shit out of that disgusting tile floor in your kitchen. Go for a run in the late morning fog/snow/ice sleet instead of going to class. Procrastinating has become a true art form now that we have this beautiful gift called the Internet: between Amazon, Instagram, and Hungry Buffs, what’s a kid supposed to do? Homework?
And then there is the age-old tactic of sleeping your problems away. Take a “study break” and nap in Norlin – you could probably sleep anywhere and no one would care (yay college). Sorry, Desire2Learn, but I Desire2Nap, you feel me?
Complain To Everyone About How Stressed You Are:
Or how little sleep you’ve been getting. Or how you spent “literally” all day in Norlin yesterday because your professor didn’t give you a study guide and you only got a 77 on your last exam. There is something about bitching about your problems to someone who probably doesn’t really have time for your bullshit because they also have problems that will make you feel so much better.
It’s like a large, textbook-shaped weight has been lifted off of your shoulders. (And don’t worry; just because you complain about all the problems in your life, it certainly doesn’t mean that you have to do anything to try and fix them).
Everything that we do is to combat stress. That bag of chips you just devoured? Probably because you’re going to fail your writing class because you have gone to it maybe twice this semester. That tequila shot you just downed? Probably because you’re over-analyzing the way your boyfriend (who isn’t actually your boyfriend) said, “Nothing,” when you asked him what he was doing later. (God, doesn’t he TAKE THE HINT that I want to hang out with him? Is he dumb? Does he not like me? Does he not care about my feelings? Should I have moved on a month ago? He’s such a DICK.) That massive bong rip you just took? Probably because you’re emotionally damaged because your father never said, “I love you” (like, really said it)…………
But no worries, this is all normal. You’re not a freak. You’re just paying to be stressed the fuck out for at four years in one of the most beautiful cities in the country(or more, knowing your study habits).
WATCH: We made Malort cupcakes. They are bad.