In just a few short weeks, cheap and lazy Boulderites everywhere will be collectively mourning the loss of the legendary Boulder House. DJ Petey, jumbo Jenga and the reverse sexism that we collectively let slide every Thursday night, all coming to a tragic end. Whether you know it as The Foundry, Absinthe, or good ol’ Boulder House, try not to dilute your last free vodka tonic with tears and rest assured that there are still many, many ways to get your fix of free, probably 50% ice and definitely 100% bottom shelf booze.
5.) Fall down the stairs at Press Play:
This could also be achieved at The Downer, Sundown Saloon or The Walrus, which are all protected by a set of always-wet stairs that could put a major damper on a drunken girls in heels’ night real quick. And when the respectful, totally unassuming bouncer asks if you’re alright, put your skills from that acting class you took in ninth grade to work, get your free cranberry mojito, or whatever stupid-ass drink you want, and call it even.
4.) Pretend to be bored and looking for your friends:
To the crowd at fun college bars, namely those whose blood is bubbling with testosterone and an animalistic desire to court any female that doesn’t go to CSU, anyone who looks bored, lonely and vulnerable is basically challenging them to make them have fun. So go ahead and make eye contact with that mildly tipsy and slightly questionable dude at the bar for .2 seconds- the 0.00001% chance that you’ll fall in love with him, sleep with him and end up being his soul mate is more than enough for him to blow some cash on your drinks.
3.) Get ya hustle on:
You’ve always wondered why in God’s name they put pool tables at The Downer or video games at Press Play, well now you know. Just look for that dude who looks like he definitely took gym class way too seriously in middle school — he should be relatively easy to spot, lurking around with his arms crossed, probably way too old to be at this bar, waiting for a chance to prove himself- and, using your most innocent voice, challenge him to a duel (or an arcade game). Note that you must actually be competent enough to win for this to work.
2.) Make your way over to that group of junior Alpha Phis:
They’re hard to miss. That group of ladies seeming to be having way too much fun on the dance floor while they dance without a care in the world (but internally they care so much, so much) in their tightly packed circle of similar-looking girlfriends. They key is to keep an ear out for when one of them shrieks, “SHOTS! LET’S DO SHOTS!” Tell her how great an idea that is, then sit back, relax, and pretend you’re as happy to be there as everyone else pretends to be.
1.) Befriend some young n’ hip Boulder parents:
If you just can’t stand to be away from the disgusting-yet-endearing cesspool that is 1109 Walnut Street, no worries; just make your way back into the “family style restaurant space” that has moved in. It shouldn’t be too hard to spot a Boulder mom who just wants to be young and slutty again or a Boulder dad who hates his life and wishes he stuck to one-night stands. Befriend them, lend a friendly ear to their upper-middle-class woes, and assure them that they too can have fun again, if they only buy everyone a round of tequila.
Let’s face it: no free drink will ever taste as crisp and refreshing as the one made by that unfriendly-looking bartender at Boulder House. What a shame, another great Boulder establishment destroyed by the politically correct and forward-thinking establishment (ahem, Boulder City Council). But not to worry, you still have eight more Thursdays to girl-flirt in the bathroom line and get ya freak on to some sick EDM beats at Boulder House, before you gotta get free drinks the old-fashioned way- by being friendly.
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