University of Arizona: home to triple digit heat, a disgusting amount of frat boys, the ugliest desert landscape you’ve ever seen, greek life so intense it makes Boulder’s look like Harvard, all cozily bundled up in the shitty little old-person town of Tucson. (Think Fort Collins, but with cacti and a much higher crime rate.) Wildcats, we’d like to be the first to say it: welcome to Boulder! We’ve got all the info you need to make the most of your short stay here, in a little guide we put together just for you.
5.) Real weather:
Make sure you’re prepared for any type of weather to come through this weekend. You thought Arizona’s weather was bipolar? You don’t even know. Since we all know that you big babies bundle up in parkas any time the temperature drops below 75, bring at least a large down parka to protect your delicate Arizonan skin. And don’t forget to prepare for the rain-you guys don’t even know what that is, so just bring something waterproof. You’ll figure something out.
4.) Mountains ‘n shit:
Landing in Denver might be a little shocking for you, seeing as we have this thing called vegetation, which we know can be a difficult adjustment for you. As people who have never seen trees before, coming to Colorado can be a wild experience. You may start to feel some feelings of regret regarding your college choice as you fly over the Rockies and see the beautiful snow capped mountains and sprawling forests we see everyday. It’s okay, we can’t all be so lucky. Your sad little saguaros and your pathetic dirt lawns will be waiting for you when you get back. Make sure to head down to the creek while you’re here, we know water is hard to come by down there.
3.) Normal college things:
The party scene is going to be a shock for you, too. First of all, no one cares that you’re a Sigma Chi, we don’t even have them here, so don’t think that’s going to earn you any points with the ladies, it won’t. Second, we don’t have pool parties. You guys already missed Beachapalooza, so say goodbye to your dream of getting lit at those nasty foam parties you guys have down there. We darty in normal clothes, like norma slutty people, so put your bikinis away. The food here is too good to party in bikinis year-round, anyway.We party in the damn snow, like real champions.
The political landscape is just a tad bit different here too. Wear your “MAGA” hat anywhere and expect to get your ass beat by the elderly protesters on Pearl, they’re stronger than they look and their signs are surprisingly heavy. Just because you grew up in Scottsdale in a multi-million dollar home with the McDowells in your backyard isn’t an excuse to be a Trump-supporting douche-nugget. We know you just inherited your political alignment from your anti-immigration reform daddy who loves to underpay them to trim his grass, but that racist shit isn’t not going to fly here. You’re in liberal country now, bitch.
1.) The REAL Chainsmokers inspo:
Lastly, and most importantly, let us make this abundantly clear. “Closer” is not, never has been, and never will be your song. Yeah, yeah, that was a year ago and it’s irrelevant now, but just because it mentions Tuscon once in the entire song and that one little mention gives you guys some false sense of superiority over ASU does not mean it’s your song. It is ours. It mentions us in every single chorus. Don’t pretend it’s your damn song.
So there you have it, everything you need to know about your quick visit to Boulder. Try not to be too upset when we kick your ass this weekend just like we did last year. See you at the game, losers.
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