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How Each CU Dorm Approaches Spring Cleaning (Or Lack Thereof)

As the sun begins to warm our warming earth, birds start chirping, and flowers bloom, you’ll suddenly realize your life is a huge, flaming trash fire. If you’re living the dorm life in Boulder and looking to get your life together, we’ve got some tips. That being said, CU dorms and the little undergrad gremlins therein are very different, so we broke it down by dorm.

Smith residents sort of know what they’re doing, so their spring cleaning will include, ya know, actual cleaning. Expect any Smith resident to clean their desk, their backpack, as well as deep clean their room. Hell, maybe they’ll clean the hallways and the bathrooms – after they diligently wipe their butts – because Smith kids must excel at all activities. If the idea of organizing your underwear drawer excites you, then it just may pay to be in the Nerd Herd.

Spring cleaning in this dorm consists strictly of cleaning bongs and throwing away all those empty alcohol bottles you’ve been storing on a random shelf in your room. (And no, you probably shouldn’t save those bottles from your first Edward Forty-Hands. The memories – or lack thereof – should be enough to remind you that you’re a cool kid.) As far as bongs go, remember to use rubbing alcohol and salt, and store for at least 4 hours to get rid of all that “tobacco” residue.

Spring cleaning in this dorm will include dusting… And some more dusting. We all know the kids in this dorm don’t really move around too often. Maybe they occasionally reach an arm out to grab a Red Bull while playing Call of Duty, but that’s about it. This isn’t really anything to be ashamed about though! You just made your life easier by being too lazy to ever make a mess – good job!

It seems that in Sewall, cleaning is going to mainly be centered around witch-hunting and breaking out of that stale relationship that was just going on for too long. In all seriousness, who knows what the hell goes on Sewall? It’s so remote, and the architecture mimics the feel of an old insane asylum – some spooky shit could be going down in there. That whole dorm could be practicing unethical lobotomies on farm animals, and nobody would have a clue. Either way, you do you Sewall, and we’ll just pretend nothing happened.

Ok, let’s be real, there’s NOT going to be a whole lot of cleaning going on here. Walk two feet into the building and you’re guaranteed something gnarly is going to enter your nose, because the people in Hallett seem to have a hard time brushing their teeth. The most cleaning that will be done is hanging something new on the wall to give it that homey feel or maybe taking the trash out to the dumpster that you haven’t visited all semester…even though it’s literally right outside. However, this doesn’t mean that the hospitality isn’t top-notch: enter Hallett and have the time of your life! Just don’t expect it to be as clean as your grandma’s bathroom.

Will Vill:
If you live in Will Vill, don’t even bother. No one from main campus will be visiting any time soon, and your fellow Will Villians who may stop by are all in the same boat. Just…don’t bother.

If you live in one of these dorms, get ready to experience spring cleaning in a special sort of way. Every dorm at CU is different, and you should just embrace it! It’s okay if your dorm is  a little gross,, just please, don’t encourage the spread of Hand Foot and Mouth disease. Please.

WATCH: We made Malort cupcakes. They are bad.



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