How to Stuff Your Drunk Face for Under $5 on The Hill

author-pic and at CU Boulder  

So you’re broke, hungry, and need somewhere close to stuff your face because you’re too intoxicated to make it more than a mile away from your house? Lucky for you, this is college, and all the food options were made to cater to underachievers like you. Here are five places you can “stuff your face” for under $5 in one of the most overpriced college towns in the entire country!

5.) Fat Shack:
Considering how many grams of cholesterol you’re consuming on every trip to Fat Shack, they should really cut down their prices in order to help you save for the medical bills you’ll inevitably be paying later in life due to eating their food. But alas, the only things you can find on this heart attack-inducing menu for under $5 are pretty pathetic. French fries, three sad little deep-fried Oreos, and some desserts are all you’ll be able to find if you’re severely broke. Hell, their freaking fried pickles are SEVEN DOLLARS. SEVEN. It’d probably be cheaper (and healthier) to just go to McDonald’s.

4.) Illegal Pete’s:
Illegal Pete’s is absolutely delicious and objectively way better than Chipotle, and their prices show it. You want a delicious and affordable Mexican dinner after a round of tequila shots? Too bad. You can get chips and salsa or chips and guac, but don’t make the mistake of getting a large! The tax will push you over $5. Save your money and go somewhere else, because they don’t have a single main course item under $6. But come back for the sopapillas! They’re $2 each, and even if you can only afford 2 of ’em, they’re worth it.

3.) The Corner:
An extremely trendy and pretentious sorority girl favorite, The Corner is probably one of the healthiest places you can eat on the Hill, and their prices reflect that. Would you rather be skinny and broke, or fat and rich? It’s up to you, but you’ll struggle to find anything on this menu for under $5 other than a plain bagel with cream cheese and a drink. Not exactly satisfying after a night trekking up and down the Hill in search of a group of girls that will get you into a frat party. That’s about it. Sorry, guess you’ve gotta be rich and fat.

2.) Cosmos:
All of you Cosmo’s fans might be surprised this isn’t #1 on our list. Yes, it doesn’t close till 2:30 a.m. which is timed perfectly for your drunken stumble home, and yes, you can get two cheese slices for under $5, but odds are your slices are over 14 hours old, the cheese is crustier than the dried vomit on your toilet seat, the sauce is probably just ketchup and the “spicy” ranch isn’t even spicy. Plus they charge you extra for it! Cosmo’s is a last resort when Boss Lady is closed or too busy, and their pizza only tastes good after at least five shots of tequila. If you genuinely love the taste, it’s probably because the only other thing you’ve eaten in months is from the C4C. But if you’re really broke, it’s your only option, because crusty, expired pizza is the only thing on the Hill that will actually satisfy you for under $5. It will probably give you a killer stomachache and horrible gas, but hey, it’s cheap.

1.) Boss Lady:
Boss Lady is a sort of paradise for the drunk, the hungover, the stressed and the depressed. Basically every type of college student can come to this beautiful establishment and find inner lasting peace looking through the glass at that counter featuring the most unique, creative, and always delicious pizzas you will ever find in your life. You need to eat your feelings? Boss Lady. Just failed a midterm you spent 12 hours studying for? Boss Lady. Just got shitfaced at Kappa Sig and will probably barf up everything you’ve eaten today in an hour but want pizza anyway? Boss Lady.

Who even needs a psychologist when you can lose yourself and forget all of your problems in the rich, delicious flavors of Boss Lady’s pizza? A specialty slice the size of your torso is a perfectly reasonable $4, no matter how many toppings are on it, and will undoubtedly fill you up immediately. And, if they give you a piece that looks a little smaller than usual, let them know and they’ll give you a free slice card. Plus, their spicy ranch is free and is actually spicy. Yeah, fuck you, Cosmo’s.

You probably clicked this article because you’re painfully broke and genuinely looking for places on the Hill to eat for under $5 because you’re already paying $1000 in rent and $60,000 in tuition, so we’re sorry to disappoint, but places like that literally do not exist in this town. If you wanted a college town with cheap food, you should’ve gone to some boring state school in the Midwest. But you’re here, and now you’re broke, so order a pizza. Or starve.