Top 10 Empty Thoughts Going Through A Frat Guy’s Head Mid-Coitus

author-pic at CU Boulder  

It’s that time of the semester: you’ve finally cuffed a frat star for the winter, but he keeps making weird faces in bed. You know that his normal thoughts aren’t all that sophisticated, and you can’t help but think of those times you got him to chase that hot dog on a fishing line down the hallway; but you’re still curious. What does he think while you’re banging? The Black Sheep has 10 completely accurate answers, according to some real, live brothers we asked.

 

10.) “I wonder what Dane Cook is doing right now.”:

One of our interviews revealed that an alarming amount of Greek men are sexually attracted to Dane Cook, and often use thoughts of the comedian in order to become fully erect for their partners prior to getting laid.

9.) “Wait…we’re not actually brothers, right?”:

A common mistake, fraternity men all over the country have admitted to being plagued by intrusive realizations of potential incest at least once during the act.  

8.) “Now would be a great time to ask her to help me put this carrot up my butthole like the Pledge Master said.”:

Finding time between cleaning post-party houses to penetrate themselves with produce for their pledge master’s pleasure is nearly impossible for pledges. Killing two birds with one stone by incorporating it during intercourse isn’t abnormal.

7.) [The entire Shrek movie soundtrack, on a loop]:

“Hey now, you’re an all star, get the game on, go play! Hey now, you’re a rock star, get the show on, get paid…”

6.) “X equals negative B plus or minus the square root of B squared minus four A times C all over two A.”:

One interviewee explained that he liked to sing the quadratic equation formula in his head and use it to keep his rhythm. He said it worked. We’re gonna try it later and report back.

5.) “The stove is definitely on right now.”:

He’s also thinking about someone who isn’t the person he’s currently sleeping with, and going to fake an orgasm later so he can go check and make sure that it’s not actually still on.

4.) “Great, now it’s all over my $400 Vineyard Vines sheets.”:

We learned that frat guys just really love to eat spaghetti while they hit it from the back. The relationship between Greek life and Italian food is still unknown.

3.) “Dirt. Dirt dirt. Dirt dirt dirt. Dirt dirt dirt dirt…”:

Our findings have suggested that dirt acts as an aphrodisiac for frat men, and their inner monologue sometimes just consists of the word repeated over and over in an attempt to acquire the same effects when no real dirt is readily available to ingest.

2.) “AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!”:

Is he excited? Is he scared? Is he finishing? Is he just dumb? Probably all four.

1.) “Five minutes. That’s definitely a PR, right?”:

Pride certainly isn’t something this species of men lacks, so when they make it almost a quarter of the way through a South Park episode, all they’re thinking about is this brand-new accomplishment of theirs instead of your own satisfaction.

Something so bad, 12 beers later, is so, so good.