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The Top 5 Things You Should Probably Leave At CU This Summer

Finals are looming, homework is late, motivation is shot, and the secret underground cults attempting to summon the Old Ones are becoming feverish. With all those assignments you should’ve completed a week ago on your mind, it’s hard to pay any attention to the task of packing up to move home for the summer. That’s why we compiled a list of everything that really ought to be left behind, like those occult artifacts that mysterious appear in your apartment at night, or the glowing face in your closet.

5.) All Those Papers:
Sheets of paper have a tendency to multiply when you’re not looking, a property also shared by dirty socks and the number of homework assignments due tomorrow. Just look around you: all of your folders are filled with paper. So are your drawers. You turn to throw a few into the recycling bin, but it’s stuffed to the brim with old math packets. Where the hell did all this paper even come from? You couldn’t have done that much work over the school year. The paper on the floor seems to be rising. You scream, but it’s muffled by the soft cushion of study packets currently enveloping your entire being.

4.) The Physical Embodiment Of Regret:
Ugh, this is the worst. You have the occasional alcohol-driven embarrassment, some fights with your parents here and there, the essay whose deadline you missed, and suddenly there’s a glowing sphere of regret growing in the corner of your bedroom, bending the local spacetime and emitting a low humming sound. As it grows larger, so too does your college-fueled anxiety and depression. Why did you handle that breakup so poorly? Why didn’t you start that big project earlier? The sphere absorbs it all, growing more and more powerful and amplifying your neuroses, which it then continues to feed on, creating a vicious cycle. It’s resistant to all known natural forces, so you might as well leave it behind when you depart for the summer.

3.) That Old Food In Your Fridge:
This happens to everyone; you toss that half-finished sandwich in the fridge, swearing you’ll eat it later, and promptly forget about its existence. After a week or so, you notice your fridge smells like the C4C and reach for the perpetrator. Of course, it scurries away, as moldy sandwiches are wont to do. You could waste time chasing it with a broom and potentially getting bitten by its deadly venomous fangs, or simply leave it behind and let an exterminator take care of it. Hopefully it doesn’t multiply over the summer and create an infestation!

2.) Your Roommate And Roommate-Related Aggressiveness:
You’ve undoubtedly had your ups and downs with your roommate, and now that it’s summer you can feel the sweet release of living with the different set of intolerable human beings called “family.” Your roommate may be annoyed at your decision to leave them behind, but don’t let that get to you. This is just how things are. Ignore how their exasperated sighs turn into whimpering and then into pleading and kneeling. Walk away. Don’t look back. Keep walking, eyes forward. All roommates must face their destiny, you think to yourself. You hear a scream behind you. It’s for the better. And yet, it still feels so wrong.

1.) That Plastic Cosmo’s Cup:
As required by school policy, every year you buy a single Cosmo’s cup on September 26th and fill it with bison’s blood. You don’t ever drink from this cup, but instead place it in the center of your desk and stare into it from 4:30-4:50 p.m. every Wednesday. It invigorates you; you can hear the primal roars of ancient buffaloes in your ears, and you can feel the raw strength of Ralphie coursing through your veins. Something’s off about all this. Everyone in this school seems to have strange gaps in their memories around each full moon, a blank slate bookended by the sensation of skin crawling, organs rearranging themselves, and fur growing or retracting. Your dreams have lately consisted of you running in a prairie with your fellow animals, the ground rushing beneath your hooves. What’s going on here? Leave it behind, leave it behind!

When you pack up for summer, be sure to stuff all of those clothing items that you bring home every break but never end up wearing because, let’s be honest, how many eventful things are you really going to do in the next 2 1/2 months? And don’t forget your newfound drinkin’ and druggin’ skills. Oh, and your award-winning sense of humor, because, well, you’ll need it.

Need a study break? Listen to our podcast, featuring Elon Musk’s dog walker!


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