The 5 Stages Of Sweating Your Balls Off Walking To Class At CU

author-pic at CU Boulder  

If you haven’t already noticed because you never leave your dorm or you’re dead, it’s hot as hell out. Which means that you are a sweaty, stinky student, walking into lecture drenched in your own filth. If you find yourself going to class looking like you just ran a marathon and can feel your clothing stick to you, then you’re not alone. Here are the five stages of grief everyone goes through while walking to class at CU.

5.) Denial:
Although not a walk of shame, this is a fairly shameful walk. It reminds you that you didn’t work out once this summer and that any hill is killing you. You try not to breath out of your mouth, but if you don’t, you’ll pass out. Any walk to campus kills you and you deserve to sit down for the next hour so you can try to recover before going to the next class. But maybe you don’t smell thaaattt bad right?

4.) Anger:
At a certain time, you realize that smell is you. Especially if you’re hungover. The smell of tequila is literally rolling off of you while you wonder why the fuck it’s so hot out. This is Boulder, and it’s September for chrissake. You smell like the dorm bathrooms after a party at Acacia and C4C food. You try to keep your pits down and hope your face isn’t too red. 

3.) Bargaining:
There’s only so much deodorant that can be worn before you overpower any humanity. Deodorant can only go so far and don’t even think about using perfume. Axe doesn’t count for anything except protecting your virginity because no one but middle schoolers wear Axe. Maybe the AC will be blasting, or maybe you can sort of pull out your shirt and the breeze will dry up your massive pit stains. 

2.) Depression:
Please dear lord, let you not see your crush. When you smell that bad and you can ring the sweat out of your hair, there is not more dignity left in the world. You realize you are a nasty human being and hide in the bathroom. This is rock bottom. You’re a sweaty mess and everyone hates you.

1.) Acceptance:
Fuck it…You smell. Everything about you reeks, but who cares. Everyone else smells, and once winter comes around, you can bitch about how you miss the hot weather. This is just your life now. Sweaty and stanky baby. Take it or leave it.

Only a few more days of summer! Stay strong, sweaty Buffs. And if worse comes to worse, just skip class. Can’t get sweaty if you don’t go outside, right? Boo ya. 

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